Ways of the Dragonborn: The Joker (6)
by Samuel Keller
Summary: When everything seems dire and the world turns for the worst, very little happiness can be found. And during these moments of despair, only a few good jokes can alleviate the situation.
1. Chapter 1

**My Editor personally recommended I put this one up next. And I agreed, since I love the dialogue I got going on in here. I hope you enjoy, and yes, there is a reason he's called the Joker.**

Maven Black-Briar walked through the manor, a glow of authority emitting from her despite being in simple clothing. Her personal servants straightened their spines as soon as they heard her footsteps. Despite their appearance as mere servants, they were also her bodyguards, specially tailored to be almost assassins. Only her most loyal worker Maul ever broke from this theme.

She walked into the small room and looked around. Two men were standing in front of something with their backs turned. Their fists were clenched and bloodied at their sides. Maul stood watching approvingly to whatever they were doing.

"Well?" she asked rather impatiently.

Maul straightened up slightly. "Miss Black-Brier. We found this thief trying to steal something of yours."

She rolled her eyes. "I know this already. I was the one who found out about him first anyway."

Maul nodded. "Of course ma'am. We're trying to see if he has a partner or not."

At this one of the men raised a fist and swung it at something. There was the thump of the impact and a swear word from whoever received the blow.

"I wish to speak with him" stated Maven. It was an order, not a suggestion.

The two men instantly complied and parted so she could get a look at the thief.

First and foremost, he was a Khajiit, a natural born thief. His fur would have normally been grey but now it was caked with blood. His eyes were a bright green and his claws were strapped to the chair he was in. He wore a simple set of hide armor obviously made from wolf skin. Despite the fact he was bleeding and hungry from his three day imprisonment, a smile never left his face.

"Who are you?" she asked calmly.

The Khajiit looked at her with their usual odd gaze. "My name is Dijah Miss Maven."

She walked closer to him and asked one of the men, "What did he steal?"

"This" replied Maul holding a large pot. It was an Elven piece of art that she had obtained from her various forms of rent collection.

"Ah yes" spoke Dijah. "That was it."

Maven looked at him. If he was afraid, he showed no sign.

"You admit you stole it?" she inquired already knowing the answer.

"Yes miss."

"Kill him" ordered Maul.

The guards were about to do just that when Maven held up a hand. "Wait."

The two men knew immediately to stop. Better to disobey Maul then Maven.

She looked at Dijah, who still did not look slightly nervous. "How did you steal it?"

Dijah thought about it for a few seconds. "I first climbed the side of the house and opened a window. Then I managed to pick a lock and grab the pot."

She looked over at Maul. "Did he do just that?"

Maul shrugged. "I have no idea Miss Black-Brier. I didn't see him. Neither did the guards."

"So you managed to sneak past twenty of my best guards including my associate Maul there?" she asked turning to Dijah.

He simply nodded. "Yes ma'am."

Maven straightened up. "Bring the other in" she commanded to a third guard in the room.

He bowed slightly and opened the door. At once two more guards came in holding a man between them. The man was a Redguard and wore iron armor. His face was cut from obviously sword blows and a chunk of his right ear was missing.

The two holders simply dropped him to the floor where he sank low. He was groaning loudly from his various wounds which were probably inflicted by the guards.

"So, I believe you also tried to do something rather foolish" she stated looking at the man.

The man grunted. "I didn't pay my rent. Big deal."

At this one of the guards smacked him upside the head. The man spat out blood and gave the man a glare.

"Do that again and I'll break your arm."

"Enough!" ordered Maven.

The guard who did the hitting almost looked guilty for his action. The Redguard still showed an arrogance she had to admire.

"Do you know this Khajiit?" she inquired pointing to Dijah.

The Redguard looked at the feline humanoid and shook his head. "Never seen him before."

Maven smiled. "You will get to know him. I have a task for both of you."

The Redguard growled. "I am not some mindless slave like everyone else in this room. I'll die before I take orders from you."

"So be it" said Maul pulling out his sword. He didn't like the man anyway.

"Stop!" commanded Maven.

Maul put the sword away and leaned back on the wall.

She turned her intense gaze back to the Redguard. "You WILL obey. Because there is something more valuable than your own life in your mind, isn't it? Someone who lives out in Ivarstead perhaps?"

The man stopped. "Wait, my sister? You wouldn't dare."

"Would I?" asked Maven giving a malicious grin.

The man knew exactly what kind of person Maven Black-Brier was. She was perfectly willing to kill a harmless woman just to prove a point.

"Fine" he muttered defeated. "What do you need me to do?"

Maven smiled victoriously. "I need you and the Khajiit to find a certain artifact for me. It is in a certain tomb near Morthal named Jalorapha. It is a book, a very valuable book. Retrieve it and bring it to me.'

"Me and that carpet?" exclaimed the Redguard. "I'd rather kill him and get it myself."

"Oh no" interjected the leader. "If you do, I'll have to kill your sister in front of you. After all, he is one of the best thieves in Skyrim."

"That is true" stated Dijah.

"Damn" muttered the Redguard. "Ok then. I'll get it. But if I do, please leave my sister alone."

Maven waved it away. "Please. I will withdraw my hand from your family as soon as the book rests in my lap."

She turned to the two guards next to Dijah and ordered, "Release him."

They cut the ropes around his wrists and the Khajiit flexed his claws. "Thank you miss."

"Don't thank me yet" she said smiling from a sick sense of pleasure. "I just made you work with him."


	2. Chapter 2

"Are we there yet?" asked Dijah for the tenth time that afternoon.

Zareb was barely able to hold in the undying desire to beat the living sense out of him. Repeatedly.

"For the tenth goddamn time no!" he yelled back.

"Gods, just asking" stated the Khajiit innocently.

They were on the road to Morthal travelling at a decent walk. And that road was a very long one.

"We'd be making much better time if we walked across the hills" said Dijah hating the feeling of cobblestone beneath his feet.

"And I replied no" reminded the Redguard. "I'm a road strider, not a damn hunter."

"Who said I was?" asked Dijah. "It's a thief's way."

"I ain't a thief."

"You should change that."

Zareb groaned for the hundredth time since the morning. "Ruptga help me."

About the evening time they had finally reached Whiterun. Neither wanted to go into town so they brought up a secondary location.

They walked into Honningbrew Meadery and looked around. A tall Dunmer was leaning over the counter, sleeping.

Zareb smashed his fist into the wood of the counter and the elf instantly shot up.

"Ugh, who the crap are you?" he asked groggy from the nap.

"Employees of Maven Black-Brier" answered Dijah.

The Dark Elf paled. "Hey wait a minute! I paid the rent on time this month. What are you doing here?"

"We seek lodging" said Zareb not at all pleased with the elf.

"Lodging? Go to The Bannered Mare. I'm a brewer, not an innkeeper."

The Redguard reached across the counter and hoisted the elf off his feet. The brewer struggled under the mighty grasp of the warrior to no avail.

"You will help us" stated Zareb matter-of-factly. "Or I'll break your legs."

"Fine" spat out the elf. "Whatever. But only one night. And if you come back again I'll be sending angry Atronachs after you."

Zareb dropped him promptly on the floor. "Typical elf. Likes to summon others to fight his battles."

They ended up sleeping in two sleeping bags in the brewery vat room. The elf had graciously provided food and mead to them. Dijah refused to touch the mead, saying "I like waking up feeling refreshed. Not horrible."

Zareb obviously did not have such foresight. In an hour he had drank ten bottles of mead and probably felt like he was in a new universe.

"I love you man" he said putting an arm on Dijah's shoulder.

Dijah shook his head. "Amazing what mead will do to a person."

* * *

In the morning, Dijah was woken up by the sound of someone screaming. He instantly woke up and pulled out a long Elven dagger.

Zareb was holding his head looking pained. "No! Consciousness!"

Dijah rolled his eyes and went back into the bag. "I warned you."

* * *

Three hours later, they set out again. It took all of that time for Zareb to recover from his hangover. He described it as being beaten half to death, soaked in water and left to dry.

"I hate you" he muttered to the Khajiit.

Dijah smiled. "Don't worry. I still like you."

When they reached Morthal, Zareb had finely recovered from the feeling of dying and was walking straight. They walked down the semi-neglected road through the swamp and observed their first sign of the town. Most people were inside somewhere, but a few souls were working the saw-mill. One particular person was practicing spells beside a farmhouse. She wore simple farmer's clothes but had some obvious skill in it.

She casted a Magelight spell and it came out wobbly. A first try most likely.

Dijah clapped his paws together and yelled some encouragement at the girl. She smiled in response and Zareb clipped him on the ear.

"Don't blow our cover" he whispered intensely.

"How? No one knows us" replied the feline.

"Just shut up" instructed the Redguard walking away.

Dijah shrugged and kept walking.

They kept walking through the marsh much to Zareb's disgust.

"Ugh, I hate this place" he groaned pulling a boot from the muddy waters. "This will never get out."

"How do you think I feel?" asked the Khajiit. "I think my fur is stained permanently by now."

They reached a small island in the middle of the water and Dijah pointed. "That looks about right."

It was a large stone mound perfectly circular in shape. Large stones surrounded the mound like columns and no animals were nearby.

"Let's get going. I hate being around you" Zareb stated wading through the mud.

They made it to the mound and Dijah examined the structure. "Pure iron door, steps not connecting. Yep, it's a Nordic ruin."

Zareb pulled out a steel sword and shield. "Lead on thief."

They entered the ruin with Dijah holding an Elven dagger and a Candlelight spell.

"Be warned my heavy-footed friend" said the feline thief "these ruins are quite dangerous for the arrogant or the stupid."

"Are you saying something?" asked Zareb.

Dijah gave him a smile full of sharp teeth. "Absolutely not."

He pointed to the walls. "This is odd though. Most ruins are square shaped. This one's curved in a circular shape along this hallway. I have never seen that before."

"Does it indicate anything?" inquired the warrior.

The Khajiit shrugged. "Anyone's guess really. Maybe it's an old mine?"

They walked down the hall and admired the structure. Torches were mounted on the walls long abandoned by their placers. Mushrooms frequently grew in stray rocks and such in the alcoves of the circular hall and burial urns adorned small shrines in little holes in the wall.

"Wonder who is buried here" said Dijah almost absentmindedly. "Probably someone pretty important if Maven wants something from his grave."

"Who cares?" asked Zareb. "I just want to find whatever the hell this artifact is, get it to Maven, and get back to my family."

"I thought that also included beating the living sense out of me" pointed out Dijah.

"You know what? After all this crap that's been going on, I'll let you live. For the simple reason I hate to waste my energy on scum."

"Fair enough."

They kept going. Finally Zareb noticed something that pissed him off completely.

"Why are you swinging your arms so much?" he asked more mad then curious.

The Khajiit gave him an odd look. "What do you mean?"

"Your arms. They're swinging all over the damn place."

Dijah looked at his arms as they walked. "I don't know. It feels natural to me."

"Ugh, whatever. I am not in the mood for stupid shit."

They reached a large atrium and noted how full it was. It was jammed tight with sarcophaguses, some of them so close together that a person would have to slide between.

"Wow, that's a lot of dead Nords" muttered Zareb.

Suddenly, every single sarcophagus exploded, revealing the contents. Then the contents began to move.

"Ugh, that's a lot of Draugr" commented Dijah.

The Draugr drew weapons and began to charge at them.

"Shit" murmured Zareb lifting his weapon.

Then a platform underneath them collapsed and they fell.


	3. Chapter 3

Dijah landed at the bottom of the pit, noting two things. First of all, he hadn't broken anything. Second, he hadn't died. All fairly good.

He looked around and sighed. Zareb was alive. Not good.

"OK, how did we not notice that?" asked the Redguard rubbing his head.

"I don't know" admitted Dijah.

They looked up and saw that the Draugr were staring into the pit they both were in. Thankfully, they weren't giving chase.

"Well, this is how we are going to die" stated Zareb. "This…sucks."

"Completely" agreed Dijah.

They sat in silence, slowly accepting their fates.

"Wanna make out?" inquired the Khajiit.

"What?!" exclaimed the Redguard completely caught off-guard.

"You know. Just two, badass dudes sitting in the bottom of a pit snuggling over their grieves in a totally cool way."

Zareb stared at him in shock. "You're not serious?"

"Possibly" responded the feline.

They stopped when they heard something rumble in the pit. It like the roar of a mighty lion or beast.

"Uh, I think we're going to die" muttered Zareb running a hand through his hair.

"Yeah" responded Dijah.

Water burst from the sides of the pit and flooded into the space. It began to fill up rather quickly, making them float to the top of it.

"Perhaps we got a break from the big guys up in the sky?" guessed the Khajiit smiling.

"Or a death threat from the guy below" noted Zareb looking up at the Draugr at the edge of the hole.

"Don't worry my friend. The pit is still half full."

They finally made it to the top of the hole and burst from it. The water formed a geyser in the floor, knocking over the Draugr as well.

"Damn it" stated the Redguard drawing his sword again. He turned to look for his partner and couldn't find him.

"Son of a bitch ran off" spat Zareb disgusted. "Figures. Once a thief, always…"

He stopped when he saw a Draugr drop dead. It had a single slit in its throat, exactly at the windpipe. It was a professional strike.

He heard a flicking noise and something whooshed in the ceiling.

He looked up. A shadow was flaring across the roof, going insanely fast and never exposing itself.

"Is that…Dijah?" he muttered surprised.

He saw a flick of a tail and smiled. "I'll be damned. The thief is pretty damn sick."

Zareb picked up his shield and twirled his blade. "I ain't gonna let him take all the glory!"

He sprinted into the crowd of undead and spun. His shield smashed into a Draugr and smashed into the ground. His sword decapitated another and he readied himself into a defensive stance.

Dijah leaped and landed beside him. He was holding two Elven daggers and had his hood over his head.

"Having fun?" asked the Khajiit.

"Loads" responded Zareb.

"Good. Now let's have some more fun."

The thief sprinted into the shadows and nearly disappeared. The warrior decided to ignore this and keep fighting.

Zareb stabbed into a Draugr and kicked it off the blade. Slamming his shield into an undead skull, it collapsed and exploded outwards.

* * *

Dijah smiled and leaped into another alcove in the ceiling. Unlike most people, he was able to hide in plain sight and use the environment to the maximum. He had learned small amounts of this from the Thieves Guild, but a good chunk of it was natural skill. Being a Khajiit helped as well.

He jumped back to the floor and assessed the situation. Zareb was swinging his sword and shield around, killing Draugr and drawing attention to himself. Perfect combo for a thief.

"I must admit, he's quite handsome when he does that" complimented the feline. "Oh well. Back to business."

He sprinted into the edge of the crowd and aimed at a Draugr Scourge. He spun calmly and brandished his dagger.

The blade cut into the Draugr's neck and made it collapse to the floor.

Dijah ran back into the shadows, grasping a loose chunk of the wall and propelling himself upwards.

Settling into one of ten different spots, he looked over the entire scenario. A dozen Draugr still remained and Zareb was slowly down. Obviously his tactics were working against him.

The Khajiit drew a series of throwing knives and tossed one. It slammed into one of the undead and killed it instantly.

An arrow slammed into the space next to Dijah and he instantly bolted. Grasping the stones in the walls, he settled into another spot.

"What in Oblivion?" he whispered to himself. "They're all aimed at Zareb. Even if they weren't, they can't see me. So what..?"

He turned and saw that there was a Draugr hanging back at the edge of the room. It held an old Nord bow that looked huge compared to the lanky person who carried it.

"Wow. Smart Draugr" noted the Khajiit.

Another arrow hit near him, this time next to his head.

He leaped down to the floor, putting a few bodies between him and the archer. He began to think quickly, trying to figure it out.

"That thing can see me in shadows. So I have to move with this crowd as cover. But they will see me if I stay on the ground."

He looked down at his armor. It was pretty pitiful in terms of protection, since it was designed for speed and flexibility.

"I guess I just have to be a little faster" he said smiling. He loved a good challenge.

He sprinted towards the crowd and twirled around. Delicately moving, he practically skipped around the crowd.

He reached the Draugr and it dodged. The freaking rotting corpse dodged his strike!

The Khajiit barely reacted and leaped again. He punched his fist through its chest, ripping out its spine in the process.

The undead thing collapsed and Dijah threw the spine away. He turned and saw that Zareb had finished off all the Draugr. Fairly impressive considering the crappy weapons he was using.

"Wow, that was awesome!" said the Redguard panting slightly. "I haven't had a rush like that in years!"

"You don't get laid often do you?" asked the Khajiit slyly.

He narrowed his eyes. "I'm gonna strangle you!"


	4. Chapter 4

After nearly choking his partner to death and failing, Zareb had fallen behind Dijah again. Apparently the thief could read traps like a book. Despite the pit fall they had earlier. Literally, a pit fall.

"Try to see the traps this time" stated the Redguard glaring at his partner.

The Khajiit didn't even glance back. "I will. And I might warn you about them."

The warrior grabbed his partner and hefted him off his paws.

"Listen you pile of feline shit-cum, I am not in the mood for a smart mouth. I am here to get that artifact back, and that's it. Don't think because you helped me that we can be best buddies. I still despise you."

"Good thing I still like you" said the Khajiit smiling.

He dropped him. "Just get moving you faggot."

"Hey, thank you. How did you guess?" said the feline slyly.

The Redguard stopped, astonished.

Dijah burst into laughter. But he didn't say anything else.

"Wait, you weren't serious right?" asked Zareb.

The feline looked back at him, almost angrily. "And what if I was?"

He stopped. "Well, then I guess I'm sorry. It's just that, I wasn't sure that you were…into that sort of stuff, and I didn't mean to offend you. Well, actually I did, but not in the way you're probably taking it. If you are into that stuff anyway."

Dijah grinned. "You're cute when you stutter."

The Redguard decided apology time was over. "Get your ass moving, carpet."

"Yes sir!" exclaimed Khajiit turning back and walking further into the crypt with an exaggerated marching step.

They finally reached the end of the cavern and saw that there was a table. It was in the middle of the room, like an obvious centerpiece. Other than that, there was nothing else.

"Finally" muttered Zareb walking to the table. Then he picked up the book on it.

"No!" yelled Dijah running at him.

The table reacted as soon as the book was gone. It slowly began to sink downwards, like in the stereotypical scenarios.

"Shit" murmured the Redguard.

The doors in the room closed and it slowly began to fill with water. Unlike the hole, this had no way out. It was a sealed room filling with a suffocating liquid.

"Shit, shit, shitty shit, shit!" yelled Zareb.

Dijah looked around, trying to find the switch to turn it off. Most Nords didn't make traps without a way out.

He put his hands in front of his mouth and formed a layer of magicka over it. It spread out like a bubble, forming a dome over his head. Even as the water reached to his neck and beyond, the bubble stayed, keeping him supplied with oxygen.

"Get me one of those damn things!" demanded Zareb trying to stand afloat.

"Can't. Only usable on me" explained the Khajiit.

"Then find that damn switch before I die!"

The feline rolled his eyes. His partner may be cute, but he was certainly a prick.

Dijah swam down and looked under the table. It appeared that there was a switch, but it looked rusted shut. Well, better than nothing.

The Khajiit grabbed it and attempted to pull it. The damn thing screeched like a dying bird, but didn't budge.

Zareb was quickly running out of space to breathe. He decided to spend his last moments cursing his partner.

"Fuck you Dijah! Fuck your eyes, fuck your fur, fuck your teeth, fuck your family, fuck your friends! Fuck everything about you!"

The Khajiit rolled his eyes again and grabbed the lever. Pulling even harder, he managed to snap it to the other position.

The water began to drain out of the room, letting them breathe again.

Dijah got rid of the bubble around his head and glared at Zareb. "Fuck everything about me?"

He gave a grin. "Would you like to?"

Zareb stood. Thankfully he had managed to save the book in his jacket. "You know what. I wouldn't fuck you."

"Aw, shame" pouted the feline.

"By gods, what is wrong with you?"

"Want the address to my psychologist? He could tell you more."

The Redguard shook his head. "Whatever. Let's get going."

They walked out of the room, returning back to the atrium from before. It was still covered in dead bodies, well, technically re-dead bodies.

They stopped when they both heard something. It sounded like a rumble and a crumble.

"Tell me that was your dick complaining about its living conditions" stated Zareb.

"Does your asshole get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?" asked Dijah offended.

"Does your asshole get jealous of the shit that people put in your mouth?" repeated the Redguard.

"Actually, it does" pouted the Khajiit.

The rumble and tumble increased and they both turned. Something was moving in the ceiling, something that rumbled and tumbled obviously.

"Well crap. I just figured out why the walls are circular" muttered the feline.

"Yeah, same here" murmured Zareb.

"Let's run now."

"Yeah."

They sprinted back to the entrance, the thing behind them finally revealing itself. It was a huge round stone, which rolled exactly where they were going. It slid perfectly into the grooves in the walls and kept following them, like a homing missile.

"How is it getting faster?" asked Zareb.

"Momentum" explained Dijah. "Also, there are accelerators in the floor. Apparently they designed this thing pretty well."

They stopped talking and tried to run faster. It really was going faster, which bothered both of the men insanely.

"Oh gods, we are going to die!" exclaimed the Redguard.

"Don't be such a bitch!" complained the Khajiit. "I may be tempted."

Zareb was utterly disgusted at that statement, so he tried to go faster. In running, not a scarcely hidden sexual innuendo.

They saw the light at the end of the tunnel, or in other terms, the entrance.

Zareb threw his sword and the door flew open as his blade smashed into it.

The Redguard reached it first. He dove through, landing on his back and grunting.

Dijah just barely made it and flew through, landing on top of Zareb.

The stone smashed into the door frame behind him, but it didn't break.

The feline stared down at his partner, who was now in a fairly vulnerable position.

"You have beautiful eyes" stated the Khajiit patting his own eyes.

"Get off me" ordered Zareb.

Dijah got off and the Redguard wiped his clothes. "Good. You got hair all over me."

"That's probably the only other hair that's been near you" joked the Khajiit.

"You son of a bitch!" yelled Zareb.


	5. Chapter 5

Maven Black-Briar looked at her newest associates with a smile.

"So you got my book?" she asked patting a lap dog. She had despised cats from a young age and had moved onto dogs as her typical pet.

"Yeah, we did" stated Zareb putting the book down on her desk.

She grinned and grabbed it. Rummaging through a few pages, she nodded.

"Yes, this is my book. Good job boys."

"A gentlemen aims to please" stated Dijah taking a bow.

She looked up at them. "Now, for your next job."

"Whoa, whoa, hold on Maven. I'm not here for a 'next job'. I came here to get back home" said the Redguard of the group.

She smiled. "Oh my dear, sweet little Zareb. Did you honestly think I would hold true to my promise?"

"Actually, I did. You stuck-up bitch."

Maul calmly pulled out a mace and smashed Zareb in the stomach.

The Redguard doubled over in pain and snarled at him. Grabbing him by the collar, he lifted the Nord off his feet.

"I'll fuck you up Maul" spat the warrior.

Maven's right hand man grinned. "Try it."

"Enough!" yelled Mrs. Black Briar.

They stopped and she sighed. "Listen Zareb. Let me offer you another deal."

"What makes you think I'm here to negotiate?" asked the Redguard angrily.

"Point taken."

She turned to an aide. "Please send the word to burn down Zareb's family home."

"No!" yelled the Redguard dropping Maul.

"Please consider my order void" she said calmly. Then she grinned.

Zareb scowled. "Fine. What's your deal?"

"I will let you become one of my top men. People will bow at your feet when you walk around Skyrim. You will get everything for free, when you ask for it. Your family will never have to pay taxes again. And you will make more money then you could possibly imagine."

"I like the sound of that" murmured Dijah.

"Well, that's one" she said smiling at the cat. "Do we have the other?"

Zareb thought about it. "Gods damn me. Your offer is too great."

He nodded. "I'll accept. For the good of my family."

She nodded and looked at her desk. "Well I'm grateful I got two good associates at my disposal."

She looked at them. "Your next job is to wait for a contact in the nearby inn. He is a member of the Thieves Guild, so be polite to a point. We want something from them, not to make friends."

"I'll talk to him then" said Zareb. "This damn carpet here would try to make friends with a troll."

"As a matter of fact, I have" pouted Dijah.

Maven waved them away. "Get going you idiots. I don't have all day to get my stuff done."

* * *

The duo walked into the inn, plopping down at the bar. Somehow, the barmaid knew that they worked for Maven. She actually bowed to them.

"What can I get you sirs?" she asked extra-politely.

"Coffee" answered both of them.

"How do you like yours?" she inquired turning to Dijah.

"I like my coffee black. Just like my men."

The Redguard punched him. "Shut the fuck up."

He turned to the barmaid. "Just some sugar and cream."

"Oh, that's not bad either" murmured Dijah.

Zareb glared at him, and the barmaid chuckled. "Just a second."

Dijah looked around and saw the various people in the inn. Some of them were fairly attractive young people.

"Wanna get some bitches?" asked the Khajiit grinning.

"What?"

"You know. Bitches. Young people who you use and toss away like napkins."

The Redguard sighed. "While I agree with your offer, we can't get distracted. How about after that jerk from the Guild gets here?"

"Oh, great idea. I can give you a few pointers."

They stopped when they got their drinks delivered. Oddly enough, she didn't even ask for money. Maven obviously was right.

"I could get used to this" murmured Zareb sipping his coffee.

"Same here."

Someone sat beside them, someone in Thieves Guild armor. He was a Dunmer male in his twenties.

"He's kinda cute" whispered Dijah.

"Shut up" ordered Zareb.

The Dunmer turned to them. "You the assholes sent by Maven?"

"Depends. You the asshole sent from the Guild?" asked Zareb gruffly.

The Elf smiled. "Yep. You are the assholes. Congratulations."

"What's our prize?" inquired Dijah grinning.

"My information. We need some help in a matter."

The Redguard put down his coffee. "So why are you telling us? Can't you just go directly to Maven?"

"You crazy? She doesn't want to know any faces in the Guild. Especially if any of us get captured. The only one she knows is Mercer, and I doubt he ever could get caught."

"Whatever. So what is this job?" asked Zareb.

"Well, we have a business rival we need killed. We figured guys like you were better at that then we were."

"Yeah, I would know" stated Dijah. "I was in the Guild for a while."

"Irrelevant" replied the Dunmer. "This rival is a huge chunk of Skyrim, and he could prevent Maven's plans as well. It's a mutual nuisance on both of our groups."

"Perfect. Will your Guild pay?" asked Zareb.

The Elf laughed. "This guy is a tycoon. There's more loot in his house then even the Guild could pay you for."

The Redguard had his jaw open. "More…loot…"

Dijah grinned. "I like loot."

Zareb stood. "Excuse me. I need to go use the restroom."

He walked off and the Khajiit extended a hand.

"Deal" he said smiling.

The Dunmer shook it. "Good. Now, bring back the fucker's head so that it's a confirmed kill."

"Roger."

"Oh, and try not to die. He has a very impressive security detail."

"I'll remember that" said the cat grinning slyly. "Side question: Wouldn't the Dark Brotherhood be a better choice for an assassination?"

"Well they would" muttered the Dunmer. "But you see, those assholes think they don't like Maven or something. Since they're the best assassins in Skyrim, there's no point in trying to kill them. Why do you think Maven was interested in you guys?"

"The company?" guessed Dijah.

"No. She needs you to get the people she doesn't like to back off. That's the only reason."

"Hmm. Point noted. Nice talking to a member from the Guild."

"Nice talking to a Khajiit" replied the Dunmer. "You guys have the funniest voices."

The cat provocatively put a hand to his mouth. "Go on" he said patting his eyelashes.

"No thanks. I'm going."

"Then go babe. I won't stop you."

The Dunmer walked off and Dijah winked at the barmaid.

"Hard to get" he clarified pointing at the leaving Elf.

She chuckled and the Khajiit sipped his coffee.

"I like that" he murmured to himself.


	6. Chapter 6

Zareb walked out of the bathroom and saw that his partner was sitting at a table. Not to mention he had four women under his arms, laughing away at them.

The Redguard looked at his partner surprised and walked up to him. "Dijah? Who are these women?"

The Khajiit grinned and looked up. "Ah, my smexy partner! Did you have fun in the bathroom without me?"

The warrior blushed and the girls laughed along with the feline.

"Don't be so sore!" stated Dijah. "Come on, have a seat here. Now ladies, I need one of you to move so my partner here can get someone under his arms."

One of the girls, a fiery red head slid over the feline's lap so she was underneath his arm. The way she did it made her intentions obvious, especially with the look in her eyes.

"Oh, tiger growl" murmured the Khajiit.

Zareb sat between two women who immediately cuddled up to him. One of them began twirling her finger on his chest and smiled at him.

"So what's a big strong man like you hanging out with such a sly fellow like Dijah?" she asked looking up at him.

The Redguard was speechless, but Dijah intervened for him. "He's the dominant."

"Oh, that makes a lot of sense" said the girl under Zareb's other arm.

"What does that mean?" snarled the Redguard.

"Oh don't even try to hide your embarrassment partner" said the Khajiit waving his comment away. "You're among friends."

He gave a sly grin. "Of course, some of us are a little more than friends. Isn't that right Gwynanna?"

The Breton under Dijah's left arm nodded and kissed him on the neck.

"We have a thing going on" said the Khajiit smiling proudly. "It's a mutual beneficial relationship."

He giggled like a little kid. "Well, sort of mutual. I don't like having responsibility, so she does most of the work."

Zareb was currently stunned by his partner's speech. He talked so smoothly and effortlessly with the women, as if he did it every day.

Dijah glanced at him and smiled. "My friend, you look parched. Let's get you something to drink."

He waved the barmaid over and said, "Six mugs of mead. Serve them warm and I'll double the tip."

The barmaid smiled and walked off. One of the girl's under the Khajiit's arm lovingly stroked his ears.

"My, my Dijah. You're so generous."

"And I'm not free to just give out my money, my sweet little blossom" he said nuzzling her nose.

The Breton looked at him. "I thought I was your little blossom?"

"No, you're my little cuddle muffin" he protested pressing his forehead onto hers. While seen as an odd activity to most races, head-butting someone lightly in Khajiit culture was a great showing of affection. Similar to a real cat.

She nuzzled him. "Now you're talking nonsense."

He raised his head to the sky dramatically. "Strike me down if I'm lying."

He waited three seconds with bated breath.

"Okay, I wasn't lying" he concluded chuckling. They laughed too and he leaned his head back comfortably.

Zareb was into one of his endless tales of heroism, half of which he made up, and the two women were caught up in every word. Oddly enough, this story was one of the honest ones. He actually did the stuff he said he did in this one.

"So there I was! In the middle of the northern tundra, with three arrows in my chest and only a broken sword. I had scraped off my chestplate and my gauntlets since they were too heavy and only had my cotton tunic and my boots. I was bleeding out and nearly a mile from the nearest encampment."

"What happened?" asked the captivated Nord under his left arm.

"I was stumbling to the west, where I knew my allies were waiting, when I was collapsed in the snow. I was getting up, when I heard something above me. I was thrown into a boulder and saw my adversary: an ice troll! The thing had fresh blood on his claws and his mouth was crunching on some bones. I stood uneasily and raised my little broken sword."

At this point the girls were leaning so close to him that they were practically touching his face.

"The thing ran at me and I stabbed forward. My sword split his skull in half and embedded itself there permanently. It collapsed in the snow, dead at my feet."

"Oh, that's so awesome!" said one of the girls.

"What happened afterwards?" asked the other one.

Zareb laughed nervously. "I…uh…passed out and I woke up back at camp."

They dead-panned him. "That's rather anticlimactic."

"Anticlimactic!?" asked Dijah, who was listening the entire time. "It was amazing! Imagine that! Killing a troll with your own hands, and then being taken care of by the rest of your comrades! Why, I bet you were thinking of the outstanding comradery that was happening after your fight! Imagine it!"

The girls looked at the Redguard with new respect. "Oh, that's what you were thinking of?"

Zareb recovered fast. "Of course!"

They leaned in closer. "That's really noble of you."

"Yeah. Only a real warrior admits when he needs help."

The Redguard glanced over at the feline comrade and gave him a quick wink. Basically slang for 'thanks for the save'.

Dijah nodded and gave him a subtle thumbs-up.


	7. Chapter 7

Zareb woke up pleasantly. He grinned to himself, noting how the sheets on his bed were incredibly ruffled and even torn in certain spots. None of that was his fault though. Well, indirectly his fault at best.

"Hehe, I still got the moves" he murmured. He noted the huge tear near his left side. It looked like someone had shoved their entire body through it.

"Damn. Maybe I was a little rough on them" he wondered. He laughed. "Naw! I was fine!"

He saw that the two girls he had taken home were now gone and he got out of bed. He was fine having them gone anyway. He despised clingy women.

"Least it's polite for Dijah to lend me his place" he murmured rubbing his head. "Since I can't go back to Ivarstead, I was afraid I'd have to stay in some shitty inn for money."

He stood up and threw on a pair of pants. Then he smacked his forehead.

"Oh crap. He's going to be so pissed at what I did to his sheets. Man I'm in deep."

He began to walk out his room, not even bothering to throw on a shirt.

"Yo Dijah!" he yelled walking around. "Listen, I kinda fucked up the sheets last night, so yeah. Kinda sorry about that!"

The Redguard stopped. There was an odd sawing noise coming from the Khajiit's room.

"You doing construction at this hour?" he asked curiously. "It's like…I don't know, noon I guess?"

The sawing stopped and the door to Dijah's room opened. Only then did Zareb get a look at his partner.

Dijah had on a pair of shorts that were ragged at the knees and nothing else. His chest and back were covered in red lines that looked like burns. His eyes had bags under them and it looked like he had multiple bruises on his face.

"Holy shit. What happened to you?" asked the Redguard.

The Khajiit dragged something behind him, revealing that his right wrist was attacked to a bedpost by a chain. In his left hand was a saw, the source of the noise obviously.

Dijah said nothing as he plopped into a seat and poured himself a cup of coffee. Leaning back in his chair, he took a sip.

The feline looked at his wrist, which was still attached to the bedpost, and sighed happily. "Ah, Gwynanna."

Zareb whipped an eyebrow. "You're saying she did that to you?"

"Sorta. The other girl helped too."

The Redguard sighed and smacked his forehead. "So you sawed your own bedpost to get out?"

"Either that or ask you for help" clarified the Khajiit. "And since I was naked when I was tied there, I figured you wouldn't want to help."

"I wouldn't help. I'd just laugh."

The feline smiled. "So you're a sadist?"

Zareb narrowed his eyes. "Don't get any ideas."

"Oh, I don't need ideas" stated Dijah grinning slyly. "I got routines I used frequently. They were ideas, but now they're just common things I do."

The Redguard rubbed his temples. "You...ugh I can't deal with this."

He sat down at the table and grabbed a cup of coffee. "I assume you heard about the sheets?" he asked.

"Oh don't be worried. I have an entire basement full of stuff like that" clarified the Khajiit. "Kinda necessary with my habits."

Zareb looked around the house. "Nice place you got here. For a thief."

"I wasn't always a thief" explained the feline. "Technically, I am a business broker."

The Redguard glanced at him sideways. "Really?"

"Yep. It's really simple. I contact a business at Point A, convince them that Point B needs their products, and help set up necessary deliveries from Point A to B. It's really good money."

Zareb nodded. "Obviously. My house in Ivarstead isn't half as nice."

It was true. Dijah had a really nice two-story flat in Riften that was kept in pretty good shape. It had all the trimmings, a dining room, a kitchen, a living room, two bedrooms and a basement.

"Why are you so good at stealing stuff though?" inquired the Redguard. He decided that if he was going to be partnered with Dijah for so long, he might as well get to know him.

The cat grinned. "I always liked putting my hands where they didn't belong. Double entendre intended. I worked for the Thieves Guild early in my life, then sorta faded out. But I…I like stealing things."

He lifted up a small pouch. He jiggled it and it made a multitude of clinking noises.

"That's my wallet!" roared Zareb reaching across the table and grabbing it.

"See? I like to steal" said the Khajiit smiling apathetically. "It's a force of habit. I can't stop it from happening."

"You're a kleptomaniac" said the Redguard bluntly.

"Yeah, my psychiatrist used a word like that. There were a few other words too. Narcissist, nymphomaniac, split personality. Words like that."

Zareb chuckled. "You're a mess."

"Yeah, but a hot mess, no?" taunted the feline running a paw down his chest.

They were interrupted by a knock at the door, with a pause between them both.

"Ah, a visitor!" exclaimed Dijah. "Go get him for me please. I am…well…indecent."

He held up the bedpost chained to his wrist for evidence.

The Redguard nodded. "Sure, whatever."

Zareb walked over to the door and opened it. Even thought he was shirtless and his hair was messy, he really could care less what other people thought about it.

Maul stood on the doorstep, his signature mace at his side. He grinned at the half-naked warrior.

"I interrupt something?" asked the Nord grinning sarcastically.

"I'm about to interrupt your lifespan because of your smart-ass tone" spat Zareb, "but I'll hear you out first."

The assistant of Maven Black-Briar chuckled. "Very clever. Anyway, you all got the information?"

"Of course we do" stated the Redguard. "Got it yesterday."

"Then why aren't you on your way?" inquired Maul with a raised eyebrow.

"Because we're getting ready" explained Zareb blankly.

They heard a sawing noise coming from Dijah's bedroom and a sigh of frustration.

Maul chuckled. "Is your…friend having trouble?"

"Sort of. He got tied to his bed last night" muttered Zareb.

"By who?" inquired the Nord grinning slyly.

"Not me. Two chicks he brought back. Thank the gods he has a saw under his bed to…"

They heard the sound of a chain hitting the floor and a cry of victory. They both chuckled at the noise and Dijah walked out of his room. The Khajiit had cleaned up nice and was wearing a fine linen shirt with his armor on top. He still had the bruises and bloodshot eyes, but at least he didn't have a bedpost chained to his wrist.

"Ah, Maul. I bet you're wondering why we are here" stated the feline smiling obliviously.

"Yeah. Your _partner_" said Maul with a particular edge, "says that you already have the information."

"We do" assured Dijah. "But we'll be leaving this afternoon. Which is, about now."

Zareb nodded. "Right. Let me get my armor."

Maul shrugged. "Fine. Hurry on back though. Don't keep Ms. Black-Brier waiting."

"Oh, we'd never do that" said the Khajiit giving one of his charming smiles.


	8. Chapter 8

"You got the information right?" asked Zareb adjusting his shield strapped to his arm.

"I said I got the information" pouted Dijah. "Don't you trust me?"

"I stopped trusting people after I got a death threat from a middle age hag and had my wallet stolen by a walking carpet."

"You sir, are not very nice and I do not like you."

The Redguard smiled. "About time you started disliking me. I was shooting for that."

"You truly are a jerk. No wonder Maven doesn't like you."

"Hey, that bitchy hag can lick a porcupine for all I care. Considering how she threatened to burn my house down twice, I think I deserve to dislike her."

The Khajiit shrugged. "True that. To be honest, I just like the perks. And the adventure. And the bitches. Especially the bitches."

"You mean the ones who tied you to your bed?"

"Of course! If they hadn't, then I wouldn't be interesting in them."

They both stopped when they caught sight of the house. It was a large manor built near a mountain, made of brick. It was pretty nice, considering the large garden in the front and the statues around the walls.

"Well, Maven just wants us to kill the owner?" inquired Zareb.

"Yes. But we get a bonus if we kill everyone and set it on fire."

The Redguard burst into laughter. "I love that bitch! She may be a total heartless slut, but at least she knows how to make guys like us get hyped!"

Dijah drew his twin daggers, twirling them between his claws. "I wish to take some things. Money, gems or lives. I'll take any of the three."

Suddenly bolt of lightning whirled past his ear, nearly clipping his head.

"That was a warning shot!" roared the shooter.

Zareb raised his middle finger.

"This is my warning shot asshole!" replied the Redguard.

Suddenly another bolt slashed through the strap on his gauntlet, sending it to the ground.

"That's your second warning shot!" warned the shooter. "I don't do three!"

Dijah grinned. "I like this guy. I think I'll take his bow."

The feline sprinted forward, moving as fast as a rabbit on skooma. Or really fast to those who haven't seen a drug-pumped rabbit.

The shooter fired another bolt and just missed the cat.

Dijah leaped onto the rooftop of the manor in a single bound, using his extremely good cat jumping abilities and such.

The mage fired another bolt and still missed.

"You're a horrible shot" stated the Khajiit.

Then the bolt behind him exploded and sent him to his knees.

"Whoa. What was that projectile full of?" asked the feline looking at his opponent.

The man standing before him was a Bosmer wearing what looked like a bunch of scarves. His face was uncovered, but for some reason he had a huge black eyepatch over his left eye. The thin Elf was holding a huge staff, nearly double his height. It appeared to have a large circle at the top, with a hollowed out center and a slight opening at the top. It appeared to be able to catch whatever it caught, judging by the serrated edges. It appeared that the staff was the thing that fired the electricity, judging by the sparks flying from the top.

"So who are you?" asked the Khajiit.

"You attack, then you ask my name? You intrigue me" stated the Bosmer. "Name's Angolim. Professional hunter."

"Men or animals?" inquired Dijah.

"I like fighting both, depending on my mood."

The Khajiit chuckled. "I like you. Too bad I gotta kill you."

"Yeah. I am under contract."

The feline twirled his daggers. "Let's call it quits when someone squeals eh? I hate wasting all my energy on one guy."

"Yeah. I don't have much energy either way."

Angolim raised his staff. "Since I was gonna leave anyway, I guess I might as well try to stop you. But they can't blame for running out of magicka. So come on cat."

* * *

Zareb whistled at his opponent before him, anxiously adjusting his shield. "Damn man. You are a big guy."

The Orc before him nodded. "To a man like you."

The Redguard smirked. "You insulting me?"

"No."

The Orc, who apparently worked for the guy in the manor, wore a set of armor that appeared to be of malachite. In his grip was a huge mace, nearly two feet wide and four feet long. It looked almost like a paddle in a way, but more circular and made of metal. His face was covered by a visor with a single opening for both eyes and a few slits to breathe.

"Would you mind letting me through so I can kill the guy who owns this place?' asked Zareb semi-politely.

"No. I am paid to protect him. Or I was. He stopped paying me, so I'm leaving with my partner Angolim. But I enjoy fighting too much to pass up on you. Unless you're boring. You aren't boring, are you?"

"Course I'm not!" roared the Redguard. He raised his sword offensively. "Tell me your name."

"Grul gro-Skandar. I will be your opponent."

He lowered the paddle into the ground, actually making a small indent in the compacted dirt with minimal effort.

Then he swung, practically turning up a gust of wind with his huge weapon.

Zareb ducked and the paddle smashed into a statue. Needless to say the statue exploded, leaving only a pair of feet at the base.

"Damn. You're strong" commented the Redguard. He threw his shield down and put both hands on his sword.

"Even my shield arm can't stand that assault. No point in holding it."

"A wise move. But irrelevant. Attack me" stated Grul swinging his paddle again.

Zareb rolled out of the blow and slashed at the Orc's armor. Hitting him in the leg, he put his hand on the man's chest and pushed him back.

The Orc stumbled backwards and the Redguard swung again, hitting him in the face.

"Impressive" noted Grul swinging his paddle unfazed from the blows.

This time, the blunt weapon connected with the Redguard's chest. It felt like he had been hit by a bear running on adrenaline, and he heard ribs crack in his torso.

"Fuck!" he spat along with some blood. He backed up and his opponent swung again, nearly smashing open his skull.

Grul stepped forward, swinging his weapon like a stick. His huge arm obviously spoke to his strength.

Zareb leaped backwards and drew a bottle of healing potion. Swallowing it down, he felt his ribs begin to shift back into place. He smiled, even though bones were snapping inside his chest.

"This fight is going to rock" he stated grinning.


	9. Chapter 9

**BEFORE YOU CONTINUE: I replaced Angolim's weapon with a staff/spear for balance reasons. If you are curious about what it looks like, look up Titanite Catch Pole. It's pretty much that. Anyway, please keep reading.**

Dijah ducked under the huge staff and swung at his opponent. Hitting the scarves protecting his body, he felt that there was some kind of armor underneath the strips of cloth.

The Khajiit lashed out with his claw and hit the Bosmer in the head. This time he hit flesh and sent his opponent reeling.

"Ouch" murmured Angolim twirling his long staff. "That was a good strike."

Then he caught the feline in the grip of the staff, becoming wedged in it instantly.

The Elf raised the staff high, pulling Dijah with it. For a small guy, his strength was immense. He lifted him almost ten feet off the ground, the sides of the circle keeping him caught.

Then he smashed him back down into the roof, cracking stones and concrete.

"Damn" muttered the Khajiit. It felt like he had been bitch-smacked by a giant. And all the kid did was push him into the air and slam-dunk him back.

"That staff…it's meant for hunting humans" stated Dijah.

"Yes" confessed Angolim. "But it has a secondary use."

The circle at the end sparked intensely and he lowered the staff to be parallel to the ground.

"It's used to hunt dragons."

A lightning bolt flew from the staff and the feline dodged it. Running back at his opponent, he drew some throwing knives and tossed them.

The Bosmer grunted as one of the knives hit him in the shoulder.

The Khajiit got within range and plunged his daggers into the Elf's chest. Letting them go, he began a rapid series of jabs and swipes at him, using his claws and fists to maximum effectiveness.

Angolim blocked a strike to his head and twirled the bandages around his left arm. Wrapping it around Dijah's leg, he pulled it taut and sent his opponent to the ground.

The Bosmer gripped his staff and whirled it around, catching the Khajiit in the circle grip again.

"Time to end this!" he cried throwing the feline up into the air with a huge flick of the body.

Dijah flew upwards, reaching nearly twenty feet in the air. He looked down and grinned at his opponent. He didn't have his knives, but he had a better idea.

"FALCONNNNN!" roared the Khajiit plummeting back down. He had one leg back and was positioning himself while mid-air

The Bosmer stared at him astonished. "Holy…"

"DROP KICK!" finished Dijah smashed his foot into his opponent's skull.

Angolim's head slammed into the rooftop, shattering the stones underneath. He lay unmoving, his staff lying by his side.

The Khajiit hit the roof and tumbled. He breathed in heavily, practically panting.

"I…never…tried…that….before" he muttered amazed. "Didn't think…it would work."

"It didn't" spat the Bosmer standing up.

Dijah stared at his opponent. The Elf appeared to be healing himself rather quickly, but he didn't have a spell at hand.

"Hey" stated Angolim. "You didn't think you were the only one with potions?"

He held up an empty red bottle as proof. "Never leave home without one. Or in this case, ten."

He spat, taking a chunk of blood with it.

"You're tough" said the Bosmer. "I'm done. You deserve to go through."

He sat down and looked over the edge of the roof. "But if you like, you can watch your partner fight my partner."

Dijah thought about it, than shrugged and sat down next to him.

"Skooma?" offered the Khajiit popping a cap on a small bottle he had.

"No thanks. Trying to quit" said Angolim.

"So am I" defended Dijah smiling.

BREAK

Zareb slid under his opponent and sliced into his leg. The Orc dropped to a knee and swung again, groaning slightly in pain.

The Redguard wasn't even hit by the weapon, but he was blown away by the sheer force of it moving. It was like he had been hit by a gust of wind from a giant fan.

Grul stood and gripped the paddle in his hand. Even then he didn't seem angered, instead showing a quiet resolve that was mildly upsetting.

"Ice Weapon" he murmured swinging the paddle.

Ice crystals burst from the metal and quickly covered over the surface of the weapon. As it moved, a deathly chill emitted with it, blasting a solid wave of cold over the area.

Zareb braced himself and was nearly blown off his feet. It felt twice as bad as a normal Skyrim wind and it reminded him of the dangerous desert winds back at Hammerfell.

"Damn. That thing is gonna keep me getting close to him all day" murmured the Redguard. "All he has to do is keep swinging it and I'll freeze to death."

He gripped his sword and put his palm on the blade. Gripping the edge, he flared his arm across it, running his hand across it.

His sword burst into flames and he swung, trailing the fire before him.

The fire ate through the cold wind and he sprinted forward, using the sword to cut through the icy gusts.

Grul gave a grunt of surprise and swung his paddle again, releasing a second cold blast.

"Not this time!" roared Zareb.

He leaped upwards and raised his sword over his head.

"Fireball!" he yelled swinging his sword down.

From the end of his weapon came a red fireball that blasted downwards at the Orc.

Grul blocked with his paddle, then the Redguard smashed into it, nearly knocking him off balance.

The Orc braced his back foot and groaned. He was holding his opponent off the ground and he couldn't do much to get him off. For a guy far shorter than him, he was really heavy.

Zareb raised his flaming sword again and threw it at Grul's feet. Then he leaped off his club, sliding to the ground.

"Fire Bomb!" exclaimed the Redguard grinning.

The Orc swore and the sword at his feet exploded. He flew backwards and smashed into the dirt.

The Redguard walked over to his sword, which was smoking hot, and picked it up.

Grul managed to stand, his clothes singed badly. His visor was blown off, revealing his face and confirming that he was an Orc. He looked at his opponent blankly, breathing heavily.

"Well done Redguard warrior. You truly are a fearsome opponent" stated Grul. "It goes against my honor to not let you pass me. I am only a guardian, not a mercenary. I did not sign up to give my life away."

"Well that's mighty kind of you" replied Zareb. "To be honest, I am glad I didn't have to kill ya."

He looked up and saw that his partner was watching him. "Yo Dijah! You dead?"

"Naw, I ain't dead" responded the Khajiit waving. "By the way, I made a friend!"

"Of course you did" murmured the Redguard. "Now let's get going."

"Roger" said Dijah standing up. He turned to Angolim, his former opponent and now acquaintance. "What are you gonna do now?"

"Well, we were going to quit today" muttered the small Bosmer. "But seeing as that we failed protecting the manor, I would say we're fired. That's more convenient though."

He leaped down and landed beside his partner, smashing his staff into the ground to keep him balanced.

"What are we going to do Angolim?" inquired Grul.

"We leave" answered the Bosmer. "No point in waiting to be fired. And if these guys are strong enough to beat both of us, they'll get rid of the guy who owns this place. If that's the case, we don't have to worry about being hunted down."

He pulled a small wad of clothe from a pouch at his hip and wound another scarf around his face, covering his mouth. Wrapping it even further, he got up to his nose and left eye.

"Now let's depart my friend" stated the Angolim.

Grul nodded and stood up, the ice from before sliding off his weapon. He put the visor back over his face and bowed slightly to the two bounty hunters.

"Bye" he said simply before he began to walk.

The Bosmer twirled his staff and turned to Dijah. "By the way, thanks for the good fight. After slaughtering bandits for the last four weeks, we were getting restless. Now we're going to go find something else to fight to get stronger. Next time we meet, I hope we'll give you guys a good fight too."

"You kidding? It already was a good fight" responded Zareb.

"Then get stronger too, and we'll have an even better one."

The Redguard grinned. "I like the way you think."

"Good. Then I hope to see you two again."

Angolim strode forward, using his long staff like a walking stiff. Granted a giant could've used it as a walking stick too, but he had little trouble using it as well.

"They were cool" muttered Zareb nodding.

"Yeah. Hope we meet them again. That Elf was rather cute too" stated Zareb putting a paw to his mouth rather flirtatiously.

"Can you stop being so damn gay for at least a second?"

"What you call gay, I call normal."

The Redguard sighed. "Whatever. Let's get to the killing part of this job."


	10. Chapter 10

The two bounty hunters walked into the manor through the front door, carrying various weapons in their grip. Even though they were covered in dirt, sweat and blood, they had the appearance of completely calm and rested individuals.

A butler, who apparently was dusting off some statues in the foyer, stopped and stared at them. Judging by the look on his face, he was surprised to see them.

"This is a damn nice manor" muttered Zareb, ignoring the terrified butler. "I wonder how much it cost to build this."

"Twenty thousand at least" stated Dijah, who was an expert on such things. "But I haven't seen the rest of the place, so it can vary."

The butler began to run, before the Redguard caught him and threw him to the ground. Placing a boot on his chest, he raised his sword.

"Don't kill me!" begged the butler utterly terrified. "I'm just a servant! I'm not even armed!"

"Well you can buy your life. Tell us how many combatants are in this manor" stated Zareb. "If you don't tell us, I'm going to have my partner here have you."

The butler turned his head and looked at the Khajiit. The feline merely flexed a claw and he practically broke right there.

"I'll tell you!" exclaimed the butler.

"Shut the fuck up!" ordered Zareb. "Gods, don't be so freaking loud!"

The butler nodded. "Right. There are ten guards constantly patrolling the interior. The third floor is where the owner is. It had its own patrol of fifteen guards, with five in his room."

"What else?"

The butler stopped, as if something was bothering him.

Zareb lowered his sword to his neck. "Tell me or I'll cut you open."

"There's…there's…." began the butler.

"Yeah?"

The butler turned to him, his eyes full of fear. But it wasn't fear towards his attacker. It was something else completely. "There's…_something_…in the basement. I don't know what it is. None of the staff do. Even the owner is scared of it."

Dijah raised an eyebrow. "That's interesting. Well our orders are to burn this place to the ground. We probably don't even have to go down there."

Zareb nodded. "That'll do."

He then smashed his boot into the butler's head, knocking him unconscious.

Gripping the butler by the shirt, he proceeded to toss him out a window, letting him roll into a bush.

"That was nice" joked Dijah sarcastically.

"Hey, I didn't kill him" protested the Redguard. "I kept my promise. I never said I'd let him remain conscious."

"True. So, wanna take out the guards or go down to that thing in the basement?"

Zareb scoffed. "Screw the basement. That thing can stay down there."

"The guards it is then. Shall we go?"

The Redguard slid his shield onto his arm, raising it high. "Yeah. I'll go first."

Dijah grinned and spun his daggers. "I got a better idea. Divide and conquer."

"Suits me fine."

Then they sprinted off, greatly happy to be doing something they were good at.

* * *

Dijah ran so fast he appeared to be a shadow. The simple reason behind this was his armor. It would reflect light and distort sight, making it harder to determine exactly what it looked like. Since the eye was pondering what it was looking at, it was distracted long enough to not actually process the information. It was similar to having a math problem that was so complex that the simple answer was completely hidden. While not a great analogy, it is the closest to what was happening.

The Khajiit spotted a guard ahead of him and he leaped onto a wall. Propelling himself forward, he smashed into the guard and slit his throat.

Rolling on the ground, he threw a knife at the next one and kept running. Grabbing a nearby vase, he chucked it at a guard at the other end of the hallway.

It exploded beside him and distracted him long enough to get a dagger in his temple.

Dijah landed and looked around. The manor was huge and he was having trouble remembering where he was going.

"What floor am I on anyway?" he muttered rubbing his head.

He looked out a nearby window and looked down. The ground was pretty far, but there were a few trees as tall as him.

"Second floor probably. So Zareb got the third. Lucky handsome bastard."

* * *

The five guards on the third floor stood in front of a large door, all of them carrying various weapons.

Something began walking towards them, something that was unrecognizable. It looked like three human bodies all morphed together into an odd mound.

Then the thing discarded two of the bodies, revealing that it was just a simple human.

Zareb grinned at his opponents, covered in blood. He had already killed off the rest of the third floor guards, leaving only these five. He obviously had fun, since he had a huge smile on his face. He had carried the two bodies for the simple reason that it was intimidating.

"Hey guys how's your pay?" he asked walking forward.

The five guards roared and ran at him, deeply angered at his arrogance.

"Apparently it's great!" exclaimed the Redguard swinging his sword.

He cleaved one in the chest and smashed a second with his shield. Spinning, he decapitated one with his shield and stabbed another with his sword.

Jumping back, he ran forward and bashed the final one with his shield. Keeping his momentum, he slammed the man into the wall, instantly crushing his ribcage.

Zareb backed up and laughed, his eyes filling with a strange spark. He appeared to have gone blood drunk, as he was clearly enjoying the slaughter he was laying down.

"Why am I having so much fun?" he murmured still chuckling. "This isn't normal…"

* * *

Dijah walked into the basement, having killed the guards throughout the rest of the mansion. He was certain that something was down here, since he could smell it.

"This is odd" he muttered. "It smells odd in here. Like cheese. Really damn good cheese too."

He shrugged. "Maybe they feed this thing cheese?"

He stopped when he found a door. this one was different from the last couple, as it had DANGER plastered all over it and was locked with three different locks.

"Definitely it" he stated drawing his lock picking kit.

Working quickly he managed to get the door open after five minutes of effort. Gently pushing it open, he rasied a dagger in anticipation and anxiety.

The aura of cheese intensified and he nearly gagged. It was so sweet it was almost unbearable, like a sickly perfume. He had absolutely no idea what could be causing that smell, unless the DANGER sign was a warning that they stored cheese in here. Which didn't make much sense, but neither did the smell of cheese.

He looked in the room and saw that a single torch illuminated the room. It was a fairly small one, maybe ten feet by ten feet, and contained only one thing. Sitting on a small stool in the center of the room was a bottle.

He walked over to it and kneeled down to its level. It appeared to be a regular potion bottle, but with contents he had never seen before. The potion was pure black, but it sparkled with millions of colors. It didn't look like blood or tar, but almost like the very essence of space was caught in the bottle. Even then he could see that it was somehow moving, despite the fact that the bottle was completely still.

"What is this stuff?" he murmured confused.

Then he stopped and realized that there was a hole in the bottle. Not a large one, but big enough for some to have leaked out.

He turned and saw that a trail of the black potion was leading out to a wall, eventually hitting to the ceiling.

"Did this stuff…move on its own?" he asked confused. "Is this what they were talking about?"

Then the bottle wobbled slightly, letting another drop hit the ground.

The drop instantly skittered over to feline, moving faster than he thought possible.

"What the..?" he exclaimed leaping back. Even so, the drop hit his foot, sinking into the boot he wore.

It began to meld into his boot, moving like a gel. He screamed in fear and tried to scrape it off. By doing so, he got it onto his arm and it began to form over that.

"Fuck!" he roared trying to scrape it off. He noted with horror that as it moved, it slowly became a part of his skin, not even altering the colors.

The gel hit his neck and he burst into laughter. For some reason, his mind instantly became excited, like he had breathed in Skooma. It was the biggest rush he had ever felt, dwarfing everything else.

When it was finished, he seemed perfectly normal, except for one minor detail. Instead of his usual yellow eyes, they were instead completely black, sclera and all. He also had a huge grin on his face, looking like an utter psychopath.

"I want to have some fun" he muttered walking out of the room.

**Now please be patient and try not to curse me for doing something like this. I promise that it'll make sense. Or at least half-sense. But I am certain you all will understand. After all...we're all mad here.**

**Oh, and review so I can know what you guys think and stuff. Much appreciated. **


	11. Chapter 11

Zareb threw open the door of the manor's owner, striding in confidently. His grin was still intact, giving his face a mad look to it.

The owner looked up amazed. "You…"

"Yes, me" stated the Redguard walking forward. "Me…me…me…"

The owner sniffed the air. "No way. You…you're infected."

"Infected by what?" asked Zareb not breaking pace or his grin. "Tell me."

"Damn it. It must've gotten out. That can't be allowed."

The owner stood and drew an axe. "I can't allow you to leave here alive. Or leave at all. You exposed yourself to that stuff, and I can't let it get out."

"I have no idea what you're talking about" stated the Redguard grinning. "But I don't care."

He laughed manically. "I just wanna have some fun!"

Then he sprinted forward, swinging his sword in a deadly arc.

The owner blocked the strike, then he felt something grip his neck.

Zareb threw him into a wall, and grabbed the desk he was working at. Lifting it up, he threw it at the downed man.

The owner screamed and the desk smashed into him, flattening him against the wall. Paper and blood exploded everywhere, covering the room with it.

"The man really sinks into work" murmured the Redguard. Then he laughed, throwing back his head.

He turned and saw that Dijah was standing there, grinning as well. He had black eyes, which he barely noted, and he looked excited.

"Ah, partner. What's up?" asked Zareb smiling.

"So you're him?" inquired Dijah. "I've heard so much about you."

"You crazy? I am your partner you carpet."

The Khajiit giggled. "Oh I'm sorry. I am very forgetful. Especially when I've gone insane."

He burst into psychotic laughter. "Now, wanna have some fun?"

"Gladly" stated the Redguard. "I think I'm going insane too. Otherwise I wouldn't be smiling this much."

"You got some of the black potion as well" explained Dijah. "The stuff must've snuck up on you."

"I have no idea what you're talking about!" yelled Zareb. "You silly!"

Then the Khajiit leaped forward, smashing his foot into the warrior's chest.

Zareb hit the wall and Dijah slugged him in the jaw. Gripping him by the shirt, he threw him out of the room.

The Redguard landed in the hallway and groaned in pain.

Then the Khajiit grabbed him and began punching him in the face.

"Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself" chanted the feline chuckling.

"You're…hitting…me" spat Zareb slightly confused. This was not the way it was supposed to be.

Dijah leaned his head forward, pressing his forehead into his opponent's. "Come on big boy. This isn't much fun if you don't do something. You can stab me in the chest, or break my legs, or even cut out my tongue."

He stuck out his sandpaper-like tongue and licked his partner on the nose. "What do ya say? There are so many options!"

He threw his partner away and laughed, flexing his claws again. His eyes, which were completely black, spoke only madness.

Zareb grunted and stayed on the ground, trying to formulate a plan. He has showing an odd reluctance to fight, which was rather shocking due to his earlier behavior.

"Damn. I don't know how to deal with someone like that. He's got fur. How do I fight a guy with fur? Does he bleed the same way I do?"

"_**Most certainly"**_ stated a voice in his head.

"Really?" asked Zareb out loud.

"_**Really. Kill him."**_

"Okay" said the Redguard standing up. This time, his eyes were completely black, just like his partner.

He swung at Dijah, who proceeded to grab him by the face, and smashed him into a wall.

Zareb nearly crumbled and the Khajiit rubbed his head into the wall, cracking the paint. Letting him go, he drop-kicked him down the hall.

"Damn!" yelled the feline. "You flew so freaking far!"

"Voice. This isn't working' stated the Redguard on the ground again.

"_**Stop being such a crybaby"**_ demanded the voice.

"Can I take a nap now?" asked Zareb.

"_**NO!"**_ roared the voice. _**"Fine, I guess I'll have to give you a little bit more madness."**_

Black ooze trickled from the corner of the hallway and slid onto the Redguard's arm, covering it in a sheet of gel. His body bucked as it went into his bones, shocking his internal systems to action.

"Now. Kill him" ordered the voice.

"OKAY!" yelled the Redguard leaping to his feet. This time, a black ring had grown around his eyes, trickling down his cheeks like tears. He licked his lips and ran forward, swinging his sword.

"Finally!" exclaimed the Khajiit blocking the strike. Spinning out his leg, he clawed at his head and sent him reeling.

Then Zareb snapped back and slashed him across the face, cutting into his cheek.

"Ha!" laughed Dijah. "That was a good blow!"

He backed up, giggling to himself. "Now what's your next? Head, chest, arms, legs? Pick one before I have to bribe you with a little _playtime_!"

Zareb grinned and ran forward, stabbing forward with his sword. It slashed into Dijah's shoulder, hitting deep inside.

The Khajiit swiped with his claw and hit him in the face, scratching lines from his cheek all the way to below his ear.

They kept doing this, interchanging blows and swipes with ferocity that only a few other animals could surpass. Even when their blood pooled to the floor, they couldn't stop laughing. It was as if they enjoyed the pain, but that wasn't it. They groaned and grunted every time they got hurt, so something else was at work.

"Very good my little mortal toys" stated a voice from down the hall. This time, neither of them even bothered to stop. "Keep going. Let the madness consume you."

The voice's source appeared. He was a male Imperial wearing a bright white jacket over a black shirt. His hair was white, but his eyes were deep black. He wore black eyeliner and lipstick, giving his face a skeletal appearance. He had a large grin on his face, growing as the two fought.

"The madness worked so beautifully on you two. I can't believe it is doing this much."

He chuckled. "But after all, I did invent it. I am the madness in everyone's heart. After all…I am a Mad God."

He giggled. "You two have been positively entertaining. I was going to let you kill yourselves with this, but I think I got a better idea."

He snapped his fingers and they both collapsed immediately.

"I think I'm done with you two" stated Sheogorath, Daedric Prince of Madness. "But first…"

Suddenly the manor around him burst into flames, casting a bright light over him. Even as the fire raged around him, he couldn't help but grin.

"Ah, fire. I see why Dagon likes it so much."

He adjusted his jacket. "Hmm. Do I leave you here, or take you outside?"

He shrugged. "No matter. The insanity should help you survive. If not, well I can get another toy."

Then he disappeared in a blur of black butterflies.


	12. Chapter 12

Zareb dragged himself out from under the ruined chunks of the manor, his left leg useless at the moment. He had burns across his face and shoulders, but he still managed to move. Apparently something had set fire to the manor and left them. He had managed to get out, but he had no idea where his partner was.

"Good riddance" he murmured bluntly. Then he sighed.

"Damn. Now I feel bad for saying that."

He looked at the still burning chunks of the building. "I'm gonna miss the furry guy. He was at least entertaining, although he was annoying as shit."

He stopped and vomited onto the snow, grasping at the ground desperately. Black liquid flew from his lips and began soaking into the ground, actually making the snow melt around it. It looked like he was staring into outer space, just looking at the liquid sent chills up his spine. For some reason, a laugh stifled itself from his mouth before he vomited another patch.

"Gods above, this stuff tastes like rotten cheese" he murmured wiping his mouth on the ground, for fear that it would burn his arm.

Something stumbled beside him, collapsing to its knees. It then vomited a similar fluid, letting out a feline groan.

"Dijah?" murmured Zareb amazed.

"The one and only" spat the Khajiit. "Now excuse me, because I think I'm going to throw up a lung."

He then emptied almost a pint of the black liquid from his body, shuddering from the sheer force.

"Fucking disgusting" muttered the Redguard.

"Tell me about it" replied Dijah. He wiped his mouth against the ground and stood uneasily.

"Well, we managed to do our job" he said looking behind him.

"Really?"

"Well, the owner's dead, and the house is burnt down. We killed everyone too. I'd say our job is done."

Zareb shrugged and tried to stand, but his left leg was still too injured. It felt like something in his bones was melting.

"Damn. I can't walk" he stated.

The Khajiit smirked at him. "Do you need a paw?" he asked extending a hand.

"No" snapped the Redguard. He grabbed a tree and managed to hoist himself up, then collapsed to the ground again.

"Fuck" he muttered annoyed.

The feline didn't even hesitate and grabbed his arm. Pulling him to his feet, he draped his arm over his own shoulder and began walking, supporting the injured warrior with every step.

"Never speak of this" spat Zareb.

"Wouldn't dream of it" responded Dijah smiling.

* * *

"So that's your field report?" asked Maven Black-Briar staring at her employees mildly amazed.

"Yep" said the Khajiit grinning.

"So you killed everyone in the mansion?"

"Everyone."

"And burnt it to the ground."

"Completely."

"And managed to kill the owner by smashing him against a wall with a desk."

"That was him. The one with the smexy legs" explained Dijah pointing to his partner.

Maven glanced at him. "Why did you use a desk?"

"It was convenient" replied Zareb. His leg was bandaged and he had a sedative in his blood, but it ached something awful. Even so, he stood tall.

She grinned at his response. "Well, I'd say you all did a good job. As promised, your reward. And since you killed everyone, I'll gladly put a bonus on top of that."

She pulled out a small box and put it on her desk. Unlocking it with a quick turn of a key, she opened it.

Inside the box were two gemstones that were utterly beautiful. They looked like diamonds, but had a similar color to a rainbow. They were huge, about the size of a tangerine, and were polished to perfection.

"Those must be worth a fortune" murmured the Redguard.

She smiled. "They are. I doubt you'll find anyone outside of Solitude who could even afford their real value. These are rare Rainbow Gems. Most of them are usually standard size, but we found those in an old mine a while ago. I think you deserve them. A lot more fitting than some simple gold right?"

"You kidding? With the kind of bartering I do, I can get double how much they're worth" stated Dijah confidently.

Maven smirked. "Then go on. They're yours now."

They both grabbed one and admired it for themselves.

"I could get so much money for this" muttered Zareb.

"I could get so much ass with this" murmured the Khajiit.

Miss Black-Brier cleared her throat. "Please try to pay attention. I got a special assignment for you."

They slid the gems in their pocket and looked at her curiously.

"Your next assignment will take a little acting. You two are going to join the Stormcloak army."

Zareb burst into laughter, while Dijah settled for giggling maniacally.

"What's so funny?" inquired Maul leaning on the wall.

"Ain't it obvious?" snapped the Redguard. "I'm a darkie, and my partner is a carpet! They'll never let us join!"

"Well, you'd be surprised" stated Maven. "You see, the Stormcloaks are blatant racists for the most part, but they do respect a good soldier. To get in their ranks, I'd recommend kicking some ass."

"So, on the off chance they let us in, what do we do?"

She cleared her throat. "There's a member of Ulfric's circle I need killed. He is investigating too far into my personal matters and I wanted him snuffed. The main problem is, he doesn't go anywhere that Ulfric isn't, and Ulfric always has his army with him. So the natural solution is to get you two into the army."

"Oh goody. I always wanted to be surrounded by hairy, sweat Nordic men" said Dijah in a voice that bordered on serious and joking.

"I bet you would" muttered Zareb. "Anyway you want him dead?"

"Permanently dead" responded Maven.

"We'll make sure of that. Anything else?"

"Well, try not to get killed. Or caught. It wouldn't be good if Ulfric suspected me of treachery, especially since he's probably going to take over Skyrim. I mean, he's got the Thu'um thing going for him. Hard to beat that."

"True" said Maul.

The two minorities in the room shrugged. They had little knowledge or concern about the ancient legends of Skyrim. They came to Skyrim to make money, in one way or another.

"See ya Miss Maven" stated Zareb waving his hand.

"Tatty bye Madam Black-Briar" added Dijah bowing.

She smiled as they left the room.

"That feline is quite the charmer" she said smirking.

"And a completely fag" noted Maul.

"No one's perfect" she snapped coldly.

**Now I need some help from you guys. I have an idea for how they get into the Stormcloak army, but it breaks so much lore and common sense that i doubt it'll be as good as I think. So I need your ideas. How can a Khajiit and a Redguard get into the Stormcloak army and still be entertaining? I'd prefer if you PM'd me about it, but if you replied in a review, that's fine too. I really am going for the most ridiculous, hilarious option possibility. Preferably take acid and give me an answer afterwards. I got my original idea after being sleep deprived, so any idea is good.  
**

**And as always, REVIEW. I'm not as confident as I like to think I am and your reviews brighten my day.**


	13. Chapter 13

The two mercenaries walked out of Riften, their new gemstones safely at home. They didn't trust themselves in not losing them, and they would hate losing a thing that beautiful.

"How are we going to get into the Stormcloak army?" asked Dijah. "I mean, they usually are okay with your kind, but they seem to despise my kind."

"Just do what you usually do" replied Zareb. "And if that doesn't work, well, you might need to suck some dick."

"Actually that was my first plan" said the Khajiit slyly.

"Faggot" muttered the Redguard.

"Biased" snapped the feline.

They walked in silence for a few moments, than a subject came back to mind.

"What do you think that black shit we saw was?" inquired Zareb.

"I ain't sure" responded Dijah. "Whatever it was, it made both of us crazy. I remember it all, but I don't remember where it came from."

"Neither do I."

The Redguard scratched his chin. "That shit is dangerous. If we see it again, we better stay away from it. I can guarantee that it's harmful."

"No doubts. Our injuries were incredible during that fight. I think you cut off my ear at one point."

He felt the long part, noting how it was slightly tender. "That stuff even regenerated it back. It really is odd stuff."

"Let's hope that was the last time we have to see it" stated Zareb.

"Yeah."

They kept walking, but someone stood where they were walking from before. They didn't even notice his presence, although to any who could see him, he would appear crushing. The air itself bent around him, as if it had trouble holding him.

"Ah, my little mortal toys" murmured Sheogorath. This time he wore a suit with random smears of paint all over it, like a three-year old had a fit next to an art set. His hair was still white, and his eyes radiated an intense aura that would put a star to shame.

"You two are such entertaining little things" he said grinning. "I will enjoy this. Even if you got rid of most of the madness I added, you cannot get rid of it. I am a permanent part of your body."

He twirled a small ball in his fingers, which appeared to be a solid ball of the madness. "It is amazing a managed to manifest it into a solid in this world. It helps a lot."

He laughed diabolically before stopping suddenly. "Me damn it. I think I smell my cracker jacks burning."

Then he disappeared, with the black butterflies from before being there again.

* * *

The two employees of Maven Black-Briar reached Windhelm by mid-day. Immediately they were harassed by a practically racist guard.

"What do you two want?' he asked all too bluntly.

Dijah gave a smile that was completely false. "Excuse me officer, I'm trying to find some Skooma."

The guard narrowed his eyes. "I don't appreciate the joke, carpet. I will kill you and make a belt out of you."

"Hey, back the fuck up" snarled Zareb. "He's my partner."

"And we also work together" murmured the Khajiit slyly.

"Shut up" ordered the Redguard.

"So you two gay or something?" asked the guard.

"I might be, since I'm gonna fuck you up if you keep talking" stated Zareb.

"That wasn't a good insult since you still made it seem you were gay" explained Dijah.

"How about I smack you into another week?"

"Actually, Gwynanna already did that to me."

The guard glared at them. "I don't have time for you idiots. I have to make sure no Legion assholes try to kill us all."

"Well, we're kinda trying to join the Stormcloak army" said Dijah cheerily.

The guard looked at them like they had three heads. "Say what?"

"Dijah, I think you broke him" muttered Zareb smiling.

"Nonsense. I haven't even touched him yet" stated the Khajiit. "Just let me get my hands on him. I can break anyone."

The guard looked at them. "Uh…you serious?"

"Dead serious" replied the Redguard.

"Uh…I think you should go to Ulfric. He'll…he'll want to talk to you."

"Figured. Where's his palace?" asked Dijah smiling.

The guard pointed behind him. "It's the giant ass stone building to the north."

"Oh. I can see it from. Thank you cutie."

The Khajiit winked at him and skipped off promptly.

Zareb clapped the guard on the shoulder and kept walking.

* * *

Ulfric looked up as someone walked into his palace. He had been consulting with his war strategists and the like and someone just walked in without his counsel.

"Why is someone walking into my palace?" asked the Jarl calmly but coldly.

One of the strategists looked up. He was an older Imperial man wearing a set of leather armor. He had a huge crossbow strapped to his back and a scarf running around his neck and clipped to his waist. He appeared at least sixty, but his body was youthful and strong.

"It would seem we have two new recruits" stated the Imperial.

"Oh Talos, not another" murmured a second strategist. He wore a long white robe with an Amulet of Talos around his throat. He appeared to be a Nord male in his twenties, with fresh blonde hair cascading past his shoulders. He had no weapons, but something about him was definitely powerful.

Ulfric looked at the two men before him.

"So a Khajiit and a Redguard walk into my palace, without my invitation. The only reason I haven't drawn my sword is because I want to hear you out."

"Well it's good you didn't draw your sword" said Zareb cockily. "You might've embarrassed yourself by getting your ass kicked by me. I am trying to join your army since I have to compensate for half the dumbasses here."

The Jarl of Windhelm whipped an eyebrow.

The robed strategist burst into laughter. "I already like them! Such attitude!"

"Truly admirable since they might be dying in the next ten seconds" murmured the crossbowman.

"Tell me you aren't as arrogant as your friend Khajiit" said Ulfric looking at him.

Dijah glanced at him. "Well you didn't call me a carpet, like half the people I met in the street, so that's nice."

"Oh Talos" murmured the Jarl. "I am not a racist for the last time. I simply hate the cowardly Elves of the Thalmor and I believe that the Nord ways are the best. That's not because the others are bad. In case you haven't noticed, half my strategists are foreign races."

"Very true" said Dijah looking at the table of men and women. "The oddest one by far is the Dunmer in the corner."

The Dunmer glanced at him coldly. He wore black chain mail with a steel helmet over his head. On his back was a massive flat circular weapon, like a circle on a stick. It appeared to be a jagged wheel of sorts, with blood caked on the sides.

"It is weird how you judge us before we've even considered you to be in our army" stated the Dark Elf narrowing his eyes.

"Oh don't be so harsh Palvak" replied the robed Nord waving his hand dismissively. "They are simply trying to impress us by showing how tough they are. After all, if they kissed our asses they wouldn't even be considered."

"True" stated Ulfric nodding. "Now, I am willing to let you join. But you need to prove your worth."

He thought about it. "Okay. I know what to do. Ralof, Elvide. Test our initiates."

Two of the people stood from the table. One of them was a Nord male with long wavy blonde hair. He wore simple Stormcloak armor, but he had a huge axe with a blade two feet wide. It looked almost like a guillotine blade, and appeared immensely heavy.

The other was a Nord female wearing simple armor which hugged her frame rather provocatively. The weapon she had was a sword with a hook at the end of it, like a huge fishhook. She had black raven hair that went slightly past her shoulders, which was tied in a single braid.

"I will gladly do so" stated the male cracking his neck.

"I could use some practice" said the female.

"Call the hot chick" murmured Zareb.

"Too bad for you. I get the really cute guy" said Dijah grinning.

They stood facing their respective opponents. Obviously Ulfric was okay with fighting inside his hall since he didn't stop them.

"So here's the rules" stated Ralof, the male (presumed so since the name was masculine). "If you can get your opponent in a deadly position, like a blade to the heart, you win. No lethal blows. That's really about it."

"Say when this is over, can we have a beer together?" asked Dijah. "You look like a guy I'd have a lot of chemistry with."

The male Stormcloak stopped dead. "Uh…what was that?"

Zareb smiled at his opponent. "So babe, what's up?"

"Don't be stupid handsome" spat Elvide. "I'm not interested in dark meat."

"Ouch. That's really harsh."

The Redguard laughed. "I like hard to get."

"Can you idiots stop flirting and try to kill each other already?" asked the robed Nord. "I was hoping for a good fight."

"Sure" responded Ralof. "Let's get going."


	14. Chapter 14

Ralof raised his huge bladed axe and swung, putting his entire body into the swing.

Dijah ducked under the blade and grinned. Pushing himself forward, he punched his opponent in the sternum.

The Nord grunted and shoved him away, swinging his axe with the same motion.

The Khajiit back-stepped and lunged forward with both daggers out. He cut into his opponent's arm and shoulder, drawing blood.

"Very good" complimented Ralof forcing him away. "First blood."

"Mmm. Quite" noted the feline. Then he combat-rolled to his opponent. Leaning forward, he licked the recent wound he had inflicted.

"Not bad" commented Dijah. "Your blood is very…nice."

"What the fuck!?" yelled the Nord swatting him aside. "What was that!?"

"I was just getting a taste sweetheart. Don't judge me too harshly for getting the initiative."

Ralof''s right eye twitched, half from shock, the other from disgust.

"Uh…uh…"

"Did I break you already?" asked Dijah slightly concerned. "I was hoping we could save that for later."

The Khajiit shrugged. "That's too bad."

The Nord smacked himself a couple of times.

"Okay, I'm better" he said having recovered from his brain-melt.

"You sure?"

"Uh…as sure as I'll ever be."

"Okay, goodie. Let's continue our little game."

Ralof ran forward and swung, spinning to gain momentum. He began a rapid series of strikes, moving like a tornado with a blade.

Dijah rolled out of the way and blocked an incoming strike with both daggers. Grunting with effort, he realized that his opponent was definitely the stronger one in terms of strength.

The Nord pushed his axe even harder, putting his other hand on the blade. He actually bent the blade slightly as he pushed it, narrowing his eyes with effort.

The Khajiit grinned and got a devious idea.

He leaned forward and kissed Ralof on the cheek.

"What the fucking shit!?" roared the Nord backing up. He wiped his face rapidly.

"Gods damn it did you kiss me!?" demanded Ralof infuriated.

"Were you hoping I'd kiss you somewhere else?" asked Dijah slyly.

"Kiss my ass."

"I would, but I think I might fall in love and you'd never be rid of me."

The Nord was completely thrown off the loop. He actually began to stutter nonsense he was so lost.

"Gru…gr…gruh…" was all he could really say at the moment.

The Khajiit giggled. "You're cute when you stutter."

He put a hand to his mouth. "I feel a little bad. I'm confusing you, aren't I big boy? Can't comprehend what exactly is going on?"

Then he lunged forward and put both of his daggers to the Nord's neck.

"Well, that was the idea" explained Dijah. He leaned into him and put his mouth close to his ear.

"Now, if you want to continue this some time, just call."

Ulfric wasn't entirely sure what the fuck he just saw, but he knew a victory when he saw it.

"Well, the Khajiit's in" he said almost dejectedly. To believe the carpet had even outmaneuvered one of his best lieutenants.

"He is quite an interesting case" noted the robed Nord twirling his amulet of Talos. "I must admit, he is quite the expert on confusion. But I guess that's part of being a Khajiit."

"Very true" muttered Palvak adjusting the metal circle-on-a-stick. "I've worked with a few before. Smart, devious, and always two steps ahead. We could use one of them."

They then diverted their attention to the other two. So far they hadn't started yet for some reason.

"How about one drink?" offered Zareb. He had been trying to score a date for the last ten minutes to no avail.

"Not a chance" replied Elvide.

"Two drinks."

"Okay, how does that change anything?"

"You get more stuff for free?"

She thought about it. "True. But I don't drink much."

"Damn" he spat kicking his boots. "I don't have any luck."

He twirled his sword in his hand. "Any way I can get you on a date?"

"No" responded the female honestly. She slid her hooked sword off her shoulder and let it hit the floor. "But you never know. Impress me enough, and I might consider it."

"It's a deal!" yelled Zareb brandishing his shield. "Just try to not get blown away by me!"

He ran forward and spun, raising his shield to smash her.

The Nord dodged and swung her sword, hitting him in the leg.

The armor took the blow and he kicked her in the stomach, already adjusting himself for the next blow. He slashed with his sword, hitting her in the shoulder.

Elvide grinned as the blow cut into her flesh.

"Not bad handsome" she commented retaliating with a stab to his side.

Zareb grunted and grabbed her by the throat. His eyes flashed with madness and he lifted her off the ground.

"**Hello**" spoke the Redguard. But this time, his voice seemed off. It sounded like he was speaking through water, a curious effect.

She looked at him in surprise and noticed that his left eye was completely black.

"What…are you?" she asked stunned.

"**A real fucking soldier**" he replied with the watery voice. Then he slammed her into the ground, causing her to cry out in pain.

"**Oh gods**" he muttered rolling his eyes to the back of his head. "**There's just something about a woman's scream. It's so…sensual."**

She narrowed her eyes and lashed out at his eyes, clawing him in the temple.

Blood flew from his head and he snarled. Even so, he didn't drop his grin.

"**Bitch**" he spat moving his other hand to her head. "**I didn't give you permission to touch me.**"

Then he shuddered and the black eye dissipated.

"Damn it" muttered the Redguard in his normal voice. "Sorry about that. That was a distraction."

"A distraction?" repeated Elvide completely caught off guard. That was not even close to whatever that was. It was like he had been possessed.

Zareb smiled down at her, but this time it was more a cheeky one instead of an insane one. "Looks like I got you though."

He put his sword to her neck. "I win."

She smirked. "That's right handsome."

Then she kneed him in the crotch.

"Fucking bitch!" he roared rolling off her. He clutched at his aching parts, feeling the need to vomit.

She chuckled and got up. Dusting herself off, she smiled down at him.

"You know, I think I'll take you up on your offer" she said grabbing her sword. "I'll gladly have a drink with you."

He chuckled, even though he hurt something awful. "Awesome."

Ulfric smacked himself in the forehead. "I am surrounded by idiots."

"Yes, but loyal idiots no?" asked the robed Nord smirking.

The leader of the Stormcloaks rolled his eyes. "Fine, whatever. They can join."

Zareb stood up and looked at his partner. "So they let you in huh? How'd you manage it?'

Dijah giggled and looked at Ralof. He was sitting in a corner, muttering nonsense to himself.

"I have my ways my partner" replied the Khajiit slyly.


	15. Chapter 15

"This bed feels like shit" complained Zareb.

"Least they didn't' make us wear those uniforms" reminded Dijah.

"Yeah. You got a point. Those things make my flesh scream."

The two employees of Maven Black-Briar were in the Stormcloak barracks in Windhelm, having successfully been accepted into the army.

"I'm almost tempted to stay for a little while" stated the Khajiit kicking his legs off the side of his bunk. "I mean, I am having fun."

"Stick to the plan" snapped the Redguard. "We have to get close to Ulfric and whoever this guy is. It would've been easier if Maven had given us a name."

"If we have to figure out who is investigating her, we'll have to overhear conversations Ulfric has with this man" thought Dijah aloud. "Or we could sneak into all his guest rooms and find where he sleeps. Then murder him."

"Sounds about right."

They sat in silence for a few moments.

"Hey, remember back at that manor?" asked Zareb. "Remember that black shit?"

"Have you seen it?" inquired the Khajiit slightly afraid already.

"No, thankfully. But…I think it's still affecting me."

"How so?"

"When I was fighting that chick, I felt like I was watching the fight from the outside. I wasn't in the driver seat. And I kept hearing this laughing noise in my head. It really started to bother me."

"But you got out of it, right?" asked Dijah cautiously.

"Course I did."

"Good. I remember something like that when I got possessed by it. It was like my mind had completely abandoned itself. I let something else take over for me and just watched. It was the closest I've ever gotten to possession."

"Same."

The Redguard sighed. "This mission is going to suck. Trying to get us inside was the hard part, but getting close to Ulfric is like mixing water and oil."

"True. However, I got an idea."

Dijah grinned. "Here's what we do: We simply volunteer for the next major battle and personally subdue the opponents inside. If we bring back the head of whatever leader they're after in earnest, they have to love us."

"Not a bad idea" murmured Zareb. "But that really depends on where we're fighting. We could be screwed if we try that."

"Oh please. We are the best fighters up in this joint and you know that homie."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

The Khajiit giggled. "Sorry. I was trying to use some of your people's native slang."

"My people don't use words like 'joint' and 'homie'."

"You sure about that?"

Zareb narrowed his eyes. "I'm done talking about this."

"Oh sure, whatever."

They were interrupted by the robed Nord walking into their barracks.

"Sup?" asked the young robed man nodding at them.

"Nothing much" replied Zareb.

"Same" agreed Dijah.

"Awesome. Just thought you might want to know me. Name's Balnor. I'm the local priest of Talos."

"Explains a lot" stated the Redguard.

He chuckled. "Indeed. Now if you gentlemen require any prayer services or the like, I will gladly help."

"While your offer is appreciated, I worship my native gods" explained the Khajiit.

"As do I" confirmed Zareb.

"Well, they are mostly similar to the original circle anyway. Besides, it doesn't really matter since the Thalmor want all other religions besides theirs gone."

"They can fuck themselves for that" spat the Redguard. "I ain't changing my ways."

"Good. Than we have something in common" stated the priest. "Now before you gentlemen wonder, yes, I am an expert on the Thu'um."

"You mean that ancient Nord art thing?" inquired the Khajiit.

"Precisely my feline friend. I trained from Ulfric himself, a great user of the Voice, and now have attained a level at least equal to him."

"Well that's cool" said Zareb. "You go into battle? I'd love to see you fight with that stuff."

"Oh I do. In fact, we're marching on Falkreach soon."

"Awesome" stated Dijah. "I was looking forward to fighting."

"Well then they're going to be lots of it. Prove your mettle in this battle and I'm sure Ulfric will accept you."

"Heh, that's a concern for you?" asked the Redguard cautiously.

"Well it is always good to have a multicultural army" explained Balnor. "You see, people are constantly labeling Ulfric as a racist. Anything we can do to disprove those claims helps us."

"Ah, that makes sense" said the Khajiit.

"Now I must be off to prepare for battle. Using the Voice, especially at my age, is incredibly difficult and requires great energy. So I shall be off."

The robed Nord walked off with a gracious aura, seemingly filling the room with his presence.

"Well he was nice" noted Zareb.

"Yeah. Considering how we usually got introduced, that was…"

They stopped when a group of five Stormcloaks walked into the room. The men had an arrogant air about them and were cracking their knuckles.

"Do you gentlemen need something?" asked Dijah.

"Yeah. We need you to get your asses out of this army" spoke one of them.

"I couldn't hear that over the shit in your mouth. Say that again" ordered Zareb.

One of them snarled. "You arrogant assholes. Skyrim belongs to the Nords, so move your place or lose your face."

The Redguard chuckled and looked at his partner. "He thinks he's scary."

"Why yes he does" replied the Khajiit.

"I think we can show him what scary is" said Zareb letting the Madness take over. "**Just this once right?**"

"**Of course**" replied Dijah already having it take over for him. "**I was getting bored in here.**"

The soldiers stopped dead. "What…what are you guys?"

The Khajiit stood and licked his lips. "Funny. I promised not to let the Madness come over me again." For a brief moment, one of his eyes shifted back into its original color.

Then he snapped his head to the side and they both went black again.

"**But I think one last time is enough to get this message across**" spat Dijah grinning madly.

"**Yeah. Teach these boys not to fuck with us**" agreed Zareb. "**Intimidation is the best way to show people.**"

The Redguard giggled. "**Now…**"

He grasped at his hair, like he was hanging on for dear life. Even then, his smile didn't dissipate.

"**I wish to dismember you!**" he roared running forward.

Dijah grinned and joined him, laughing as he did so. Only their laughter and the cries of pain and agony could be heard from the room.


	16. Chapter 16

"Hard to believe they let us stay after that shit yesterday" murmured Dijah walking through the icy tundra.

"You can say that again" replied Zareb.

"I would, but I'm too tired."

"That was a rhetorical request you ass" spat the Redguard. "But either way, it really is hard to believe."

"It's simple" stated one of the soldiers. "We Stormcloaks respect toughness. And you two are some of the biggest badasses in this army."

"Well thank you" stated the Khajiit.

"Don't mention it. You gave those guys quite an ass-kicking."

They kept marching, no one in particular rhythm or order. It was more like a general hike than a march.

"So Falkreach. We marching on the city itself?" inquired Zareb.

"No. No point in hurting innocent people there" explained the same soldier. Then the soldier took off the helmet and revealed that it was a female. Her helmet had actually deepened her voice till it sounded like a male.

Her hair was a deep red color and was in multiple warrior braids. Her eyes were a dazzling grey and her skin was a notable pale shade, meaning she was probably a Nord.

"I am called Agyia" she explained calmly. "I hope to get to know you two very well."

"I'd be happy to associate with such a pretty lady" stated Zareb.

"I can say the same" agreed Dijah.

"Carpet, she isn't interested in you."

The Khajiit pouted. "How would you know that?"

"Because no self-respecting Nord woman would associate with a stealing, lying, manipulative, nymphomaniac faggot."

"Hey! I am not a liar!" objected Dijah.

"It's amazing what part of that statement you found offensive."

The feline grinned. "Well, then she can't interested in you. You're a brutish, hard-headed, murdering psychopath."

"Hey! I am…well…what was that last thing again?"

The woman laughed loudly. "You two are so entertaining!"

The Khajiit grinned slyly. "You haven't even seen what we can do given the right amount of alcohol."

The Redguard glared at him. "Can you stop with the gay jokes?"

"Who said they were jokes?"

Agyia laughed again. "I think we're going to have a beautiful relationship."

The captain up front ordered them to stop and called out, "Five minute lunch break!"

The woman smiled. "I'll see you two later."

"Wait, you sure you don't want to share lunch?" asked Zareb.

"Yeah, we're having a specialty. Dark meat" stated Dijah cleverly.

"Shut the fuck up!"

She laughed. "Sorry, but I eat alone."

* * *

Agyia made sure she wasn't being followed before disappearing farther into the forest. Ducking into a small cave, she looked around.

"Where are you?" she asked lowly.

"Over here."

She turned. A man was sitting on a rock inside the cave. He wore an odd suit that appeared to be sewn of two different materials. One side was completely white and looked to be made of silk. The ends of his sleeve went past his hand, as did his pants. The other side was black and made of burlap. It stopped just at his shoulder and knee and appeared to be ragged. It certainly sent an odd message. Across the middle, all the way from his collar to the crotch were metal stiches.

The man himself was rather odd. He was incredibly pale and looked deathly ill. His hair was like straw, color and texture included, and covered his entire head.

"My lord" said the female kneeling.

"No time for formalities" stated the man. His voice sounded like he was speaking through water, since it vibrated in his throat. He had a small grin on his face as well.

"I found the two you spoke of" she said quickly.

"Of course you did. I gave exact details. If you hadn't found them…"

He looked up and revealed his mouth. He was twisted in a grin that looked unnatural. His teeth were razor sharp and were covered in black goo.

"If you hadn't found them, you must be quite mad."

The woman stopped, completely terrified. His eyes were black and hollow, gleaming with points of lights. It was like staring in space.

"Now I need you to do something for me" stated the man. "Keep watch over them. Let me know who they associate with. Tell me anything you find at our next meeting."

"I can do that."

"Of course you can do that. You're a sneaky little bitch."

She scowled. "I would prefer not being called that."

The man chuckled. "You would prefer it eh..?"

He reached out and grabbed her by the throat. Lifting her off the ground, he stared into her eyes.

Agyia gasped out of fear. His hand was ice cold, but it sent lightning through her body. It was like he was injecting it through her.

"I would prefer if my subordinates didn't annoy me so damn much" said the man frowning. Even then , he exposed his edged teeth. "Have you forgotten who you're dealing with? I don't have reason. I'm quite insane actually."

He chuckled lowly. "After all, I am the God of Madness."

He pulled her closer and pressed his forehead into hers. "Now, you'll follow your orders. And when you finish your orders, I'll decide if you get anymore. If you do, you follow those. And if you don't…"

He laughed right in her face. "Then I decide if I still need you."

He threw her and she collapsed onto the ground.

"Now get going" ordered Sheogorath. "Holding this form is taking a lot of energy. But I love this one so much."

He chuckled. "Hey, I might make you my next host body. That'll be fun."

Agyia stared at him in horror. "Please…"

"Please what?"

"Please don't…"

"Oh, I don't think I will" he said brushing a strand of hair from his face. "You're far too beautiful for me to destroy with Madness. Even I appreciate things like you."

He chuckled. "So fly my little birdie. Fly away."

Then he disappeared into the shadows, leaving only his sharp twisted grin on the wall.


	17. Chapter 17

**Hello readers of mine. I apologize for not updating for a while, but I was celebrating my birthday. For a full week. It was a cool birthday. Anyway, please keep reading.**

"So that's the fort?" inquired Zareb adjusting his armor.

"Yep" answered Agyia nonchalantly.

"Place looks new."

"It is. They rebuilt it after Ulfric rebelled. They were certain he would come and try to take it."

"Well they made a good guess" said Dijah licking his chops (since Khajiit don't have lips).

The captain of the group removed the helmet covering their head, revealing who they really were.

"Okay ladies and gentlemen" stated Elvide tossing some of her blonde hair off her face. "We finally arrived. It's time to conquer Falkreach. Just remember, don't do any unnecessary kills. If a Legion surrenders, you damn sure better not kill him."

The Redguard smiled at her. "Hey, you never let me take you for a drink."

She smiled. "Sorry about that. How about we get one after the battle?"

"Zareb grinned. "It's a deal pretty lady."

Agyia noted the conversation coldly, a look that most would perceive as malicious or sadistic.

"Better make sure Lord Sheogorath knows about this" she thought nervously rubbing her neck where the Daedric Prince had grabbed her.

Dijah looked at her analytically, seeing the marks on her neck as well. He was an expert on behavior after all.

"Ah, you jealous?" he asked coyly. "Did you want Zareb for yourself?"

The redhead blushed crimson. "Not a chance!"

"Oh, having hot flashes then? Don't worry, I won't tell the other girls you're getting old."

She huffed up. "This is sexual harassment."

The Khajiit burst into laughter. "Well if you're gonna sue, make sure you get Zareb too!"

Elvide glared at him. "Straighten up carpet!"

"Yes ma'am!" he roared standing straight.

"Damn. Never thought you'd back down in front of a woman" murmured Zareb.

"Well…I did have a few mistresses in my time…"

"Moving on!" shouted the Redguard quickly walking towards the fort.

The Khajiit giggled. "Gods he's adorable when he's angry. Don't you agree Agyia?"

"Shut up!" she yelled getting red in the face.

Elvide laughed. "Come on idiots. We have a mission to do."

* * *

"Hey Dave does that look like Stormcloaks?" asked a guard on top of the fort wall. He was leaning on a chair precariously, drinking casually.

Dave looked out, gulping down a swig of mead. "Uh…I think so."

His eyes widened. "Hold on a second."

He took a sip of mead, then spat it out violently.

"Dave you ass!" roared the other guard.

"We got attackers!" he yelled turning to inside the fort. "Man battle stations! Grab arms!"

He paused to remember that they were Stormcloaks.

"Hide the booze too!"

He turned back to the approaching army and saw something leap off the ground. It looked like a Redguard wearing a set of iron armor.

The man crawled on the wall, propelling himself forward with the balls of his feet and not breaking pace.

"Surprise buttercup!" shouted Zareb slicing off his head in one motion.

He landed on the wall and stabbed the other guard in the chest, causing him to drop his tankard of mead.

"Black-Briar Mead?" he asked staring at the barrel. He quickly grabbed it and slid it underneath a table. Throwing the body of Dave on top of it, he made sure it wasn't visible.

"Now that I made sure me and Elvide are getting a good drink, let's finish this" he said wiping the blood from his sword.

He felt something brush past him like the wind and a huge black blur appeared. It flew off the wall and smashed into the courtyard of the fort, whirling and dancing violently.

"Damn Dijah" he muttered knowing what the black mass was. "Do you have to show off so much?"

* * *

The Khajiit grinned as he kept moving across the battlefield, slicing and dicing with his two knives. He moved so fast it was almost impossible to track him, let alone hit him. He danced lightly, opting to not wear shoes to this fight.

Dijah grabbed a Legion and threw him aside, already dodging as he did so. Propelling himself forward, he smashed into another soldier.

He landed on top of the man, smiling mischievously.

"Oh what a wonderful coincidence this is" he murmured looking at the man. "I get to straddle the cutest guy here."

The Legion instantly punched him in the face, sending him reeling.

"Oh…a sadist?" inquired Dijah wiping the blood from his mouth. "I'm a masochist you know. We should hang out."

"Stop being so freaking gay!" yelled Zareb joining him.

"Oh come on. That could be interpreted many other ways" defended the Khajiit.

"You said that shit in front of a GUY! Pretty sure that makes you at least bi."

"Can you two idiots shut up?" asked Elvide running in. "We have a job to do."

"Of course pretty captain" said the Redguard. "Your wish is my command."

"It was a command, and you better damn follow it."

Dijah laughed. "Now who's the masochist?"

The Redguard punched him. "Shut up!"

"Oh wait, licking someone's boots like you did is more of submissive behavior…"

"If you don't stop talking about that shit, I'll rearrange your insides!"

The Khajiit giggled. "You know I'd like stuff like that, right?"

The Nord captain smacked her forehead. "You two are idiots."

"Yeah, but cute idiots no?" asked Dijah grabbing Zareb and hugging him close.

"Don't touch me" threatened the Redguard pushing him away.

Elvide rolled her eyes. "Just get to killing you two before I…think of some punishment you wouldn't enjoy."

"I don't have many of those" murmured the Khajiit.

"Goddamn it carpet just get moving!" roared Zareb. "Gods, how are you pissing me off even NOW!?"

"Because I am so damn skillful at it" stated Dijah shrugging. "But I'm also good at killing things, which is what I will do right now."

And with that he charged further into the fort, flashing his blades dangerously.

"That guy is so damn annoying" muttered Elvide.

"Yeah, and I'm his damn caretaker" spat Zareb.

"I pity you."

"Yeah, pity accepted."


	18. Chapter 18

Agyia walked through the fort; the pools of blood form the soldiers now washing away. Falkreach had surrendered only hours ago and now they were cleaning it up.

She reached a small room and saw that someone as waiting for her.

"_Every time"_ she thought slightly annoyed. _"He constantly changes his outfit."_

Sheogorath was now wearing a long grey jacket on top of a white shirt and pants that were very edgy and rugged. The sleeves covered his hands and the pant legs pooled over his feet. The main characteristic was definitely his top hat, which looked far too big for him. Indeed, it actually hugged his eyebrows and barely made it possible to see his now puffy grey hair.

"How did it go?" he asked adjusting his hat.

"Well, we cleared the fort" she said hoping to avoid the topic he probably had in mind.

"I can tell. I'm insane, not blind you dumb bitch. Have you figured out anything?"

"Well, I know that the Redguard is apparently making friends with my captain Elvide."

Sheogorath grinned widely, exposing his rotten yellow teeth. "Excellent news. What about the other?"

"I don't know. That Khajiit is making me nervous. I think he can see through my disguise."

"Nonsense. He'd have no reason to suspect you. It's your own paranoia driving you mad."

The Daedric Prince laughed audibly. "Just look at me. I don't even trust me."

He stopped. "Well, you'll figure something out for the Khajiit. Now for the Redguard…"

He pulled out a small vial. It looked like it held a twisting snake inside of it, a snake as black as midnight.

"Pour this into the drink of your captain" he instructed. "This is a pure sentient Madness strain. If Zareb gets any closer to her, the Madness inside of him will increase. It'll be quite fun to watch him try to control it."

She nodded and slid the vial into her pocket. "What about the Khajiit?"

Sheogorath sighed. "I do so love the damn cats. I am a cat person, and the Khajiits are technically the closest thing to myself."

He held up his hands, which were actually paws. He flexed them, batting them together like he was testing them. "Such a curious feeling."

He removed his hat, showing that he also had cat ears. He flexed them for a few seconds.

"What are you still doing here?!" he demanded throwing his hat back on. "You got things to do young lady!"

She immediately ran off frightened of his sudden fit. She knew that he was prone to insane fits and was truly unpredictable in those states.

He purred to himself. "Ah…I think I startled her. Sheogorath, you've been a naughty boy. Yes you have…yes you have…"

* * *

Agyia sat against the wall and panted, extremely scared at what had just happened. She had seen the things he did when he got angry. Let's just say that people tended to not be people anymore and leave it at that.

She checked her limbs. "Okay, I'm not turning into a sweet roll, so that's a good sign."

She breathed in heavily. "I would run, but I can't. He'd chase me. He definitely would."

She gripped the vial in her hand. "Why do you feel so bad? These guys are total strangers. Hurting them is like swatting a fly. You've killed total strangers. What makes this so different?"

She paused. "It's because…they don't deserve to have this happen to them."

She felt a few tears come to her eyes. "Gods damn it. I don't want these guys to drown in Madness. No one deserves that."

Agyia gritted her teeth. "But to disobey him…He'd do something…Shit I don't even know what he'd do!"

She stood up and began walking. "I have to do this. Just do these tasks and get out. Maybe settle down somewhere in Markarth."

She reached the room she was hoping to find and saw that Zareb was already working. He appeared to be panicking slightly, running and moving across the room rapidly.

"You appear to be busy" she noted casually.

"Well, I am preparing for a date" he said grabbing a candle.

"You do realize captain only said she'd go for a drink right?"

"Irrelevant!" he yelled setting up the table. "Listen, I need you to prepare the drinks cause I'm kinda rushed. I'd ask Dijah, but that guy would probably put some Skooma in there or something."

She nodded. "Fine. I'd be happy to help."

She walked over to the tray and noticed how he had prepared quite an exquisite deal. There were a few fruits in a small bowl on the tray and even some cheese. It was a typical light lunch mixed with some drinks.

She grabbed the two tankards and noted how he had picked one especially for Elvide. It was her own personal one and had her name inscribed on it.

Pouring in the Black-Briar Mead, she looked around before opening the small vial.

The snake inside instantly spiraled and crawled into her drink, reaching the very bottom instantly.

"You know, I don't think your captain would appreciate a drugged drink" stated a voice from the shadows.

She instantly slid the vial up her sleeve and turned.

Dijah was grinning at her slyly, his arms crossed over his armor. He looked like he had been there for a while, using whatever-the-crap skills he had to hide.

"Well, I just wanted to entice some action between them" she said trying to cover up her lie. She hoped desperately that it worked and the Khajiit believed it.

Dijah chuckled. "That sounds more like something I'd do. Never knew you were so mischievous."

The Khajiit looked at her sideways. "Do you wish to drug your captain to get them together..?"

He tilted his head down, casting a shadow over his eyes. "Or is it because that drug will affect Zareb as well?"

She paused, stunned at his insight. It was like he had read clean through her.

"I think you're forgetting that you tried to drug them too!" she defended crossing her arms. "You aren't as innocent as you think you are!"

He laughed and fell back against the wall. "You're pretty damn smart aren't ya? You got me there! Technically, I'm not even supposed to be here. Zareb insisted that I couldn't even touch this date stuff."

He shrugged. "I'll be off than."

He walked off confidently, smiling to himself even now.

As soon as he was out of range, he sniffed the air.

"Yep. Definitely" he murmured allowing an intense look to cover his face. "Zareb reeks of that black shit from before. I know that smell. The battle must've worsened it."

He snarled. "But why did it smell even worse on Agyia? Do all people have that black shit in them and I just couldn't smell it because I didn't know the scent?"

He closed his eyes. "I better find out what's going on. I should ask that court wizard when we get back to Windhelm."

**Oh snap! Our little kitty isn't so stupid after all. Now, if you have ANY questions about this thing, just go onto my forum. It's named exactly the same as the story (Ways of the Dragonborn) and it's got a few topic threads already. But if it's a question you want answered privately, just PM me. **


	19. Chapter 19

"You found WHAT!?"

Wuunferth the Unliving slammed his fists down onto the table inside his personal study in the Palace of Kings. He had a look of utter rage on his face at what he had just heard.

Dijah flinched away, but didn't run. "I found some black fluid inside the Falkreach fort we ransacked a while ago. Like I said, it looked like a chunk of outer space had been torn out of the sky."

"You found a solid case of Madness?"

"What?"

The court wizard scuttled to the side and opened one of his books. Plopping it down on the table, he revealed the page he was at.

"Madness. The pure essence of Sheogorath, the Mad Daedric Prince. Inside of every person is a few ounces of this matter that usually doesn't leak out even when they die. But in certain cases, they are known to leak out of people. Madness is prone to multiplication with violent or sexual tendencies, especially ones associated with rage and lust. Some individuals are born with a natural weakness to it, while others are naturally born with a large amount of Madness inside themselves."

He sighed. "This is bad. Tell me you didn't let it touch you."

"I think I might've" murmured the Khajiit.

Wuunferth grabbed him and stared into his eyes. His cold breath punched through his clenched teeth and he appeared to be concentrating intensely.

"It appears to have affected you less than I anticipated. That's good. Most Khajiits have a higher resistance to Madness, being directly controlled by Sheogorath."

He rubbed his eyes. "Unfortunately, almost every other race is weak to it by nature. I'll have to conduct a thorough investigation of all soldiers, even the ones who didn't go to Falkreach."

"How will you do it without looking suspicious?"

"Simple. I'll say that I'm testing them for a new disease. I've done that numerous times."

The court wizard closed the book. "Now listen, you can't say anything about this to anyone. If others knew, they'd definitely panic. This is Sheogorath after all."

"What should I do?"

Wuunferth walked over to a small cabinet and opened it. Withdrawing a pure white liquid, he handed it to him.

"Drink this."

Dijah paused, but quickly took a sip.

"It's milk" he muttered slightly astonished.

"No, it's designed to reduce the Madness."

"But it tastes and smells just like milk."

"That's a coincidence."

The Khajiit happily drank the milky substance, mainly since he loved milk to begin with. While that was a little stereotypical, it definitely fit him.

"Meow" he purred happily.

Dijah paused and smashed himself. "Gods, I promised I'd stop doing that."

He finished the drink and wiped it from his jaw. "What now?"

"I'll have to do some tests to determine how far Madness has spread into the army. Of course that means you'll have some downtime."

"That's cool" muttered the Khajiit. "That attack on that fort was exhausting."

Wuunferth opened another book. "Now I need you to get going. I must prepare my equipment to test for Madness."

Dijah walked out of the room and the court wizard sighed.

"Damn it. I was hoping we'd never have to deal with this again."

Someone stepped from behind the door, having listened to the entire conversation. He was wearing a long white robe that made him look like a priest, but the black mask over his face ruined that look. His hair was white and swept to his hips, accented further with his red eye that poked through the right eyehole of his mask. On his back were two long rods, seemingly made of iron.

"It's been a while since we've had a situation this bad" muttered the masked man.

"I agree Zosimus. This is not good."

Zosimus adjusted his mask. "Madness. I haven't had contact with that substance for years and I still feel its effects on my body. But I think there's something more pressing to take care of."

"Oh? What is it?"

The masked man looked at his old friend. "That Khajiit…I smelled it on him."

"The Madness or something else?"

"Did I ever tell you who my brother is?"

Wuunferth nodded, than stopped.

"You think the Khajiit is...?"

"A Dragonborn. Without a shadow of a doubt."

The court wizard paused. "How unique. Do you think he knows of your brother?"

"Doubtful. My brother is fast when finding Dragonborn, but it's doubtful that he could sense it from so far away. I could only smell it when I was in the same room."

"What should we do? I am not familiar with how these things work."

"Simple. We have to let him unlock those powers."

"Why?"

Zosimus audibly scoffed. "Isn't it obvious? We need for him to be able to embrace his destiny of defeating the World-Eater. That is one thing I always agreed with my brother about. Alduin will kill us all unless all 10 Dragonborn are assembled. He's not the first one I've detected. But he's the only one I've seen who hasn't unlocked it yet."

"Do you know of a location?"

The masked man nodded. "I keep track of those locations, as does my brother."

"It's a shame you two don't work together. Imagine the great product you could make with your cooperation."

Zosimus gritted his teeth. "I can never work with my brother. What he's done is unforgivable."

"I believe you, like I always have. When should we send him?"

"Immediately, along with that Redguard partner."

Wuunferth mused to himself for a moment. "Now how do we hide this from Ulfric?"

"That's your problem, not mine."

The court wizard snapped his fingers. "I got an idea."

**Now Zosimus is not HIM or Fog (for those of you who know what I'm talking about). There are three masked men of Skyrim (there's a good reason for that). Zosimus has the Black Mask, HIM has the White Mask, and Fog has the Grey Mask. Why they have those will be explained in a later story.**


	20. Chapter 20

"Why did they send us again?" asked Zareb walking down the road.

"Something about an errand for Wuunferth" replied Dijah.

"Ah come on. Are we trying to kiss THAT much ass?"

"We need to find the target for Miss Maven. This just gets them to trust us more. And we get to go traveling while everyone else is stuck doing medical examinations. A win-win."

"We've been at this for nearly two weeks" said the Redguard. "I bet Maven's getting pissed off."

"Doubtful. I haven't even seen the guy we're supposed to kill" muttered the Khajiit. "Whoever he is, he is incredibly good at making his presence unnoticeable."

The two of them, still under the guise of being a Stormcloak unit, were now ordered to fetch something from a Nordic ruin not too far from here. Apparently the court wizard needed it for something. To be honest, they really didn't care. Whatever helped lower their enemy's trust.

"So how's Elvide?" inquired Dijah casually.

"Sweet as honey" replied Zareb grinning. "Man, I think I got her falling head over heels for me."

"You do realize she probably won't be able to come back with us right?"

The Redguard swore. "Yeah, I know. It pisses me off, but I'll get over it."

They finally reached the ruin and noted the exterior. For an ancient Nordic structure, it was actually fair well built. It wasn't collapsing and looked pretty solid.

"About time something went our way" muttered Zareb. "Come on. I want to get back to my Elvide."

"No doubts" said Dijah smirking.

They walked over to the door and quickly stepped inside.

Something behind them shifted from beyond a pillar, crawling on the rock surface. It looked like a mound of black flesh, growing over the pillar like moss.

Then across the surface of the flesh burst eyes, all of them opening at once. Every eye was in a group of three, each one the same color.

The other pillars revealed similar eyes, all of them staring at the door the tow had just walked through.

"Yes…" whispered Sheogorath popping his head out of one of the mounds of flesh. "They sent them right where I wanted them to. I was getting bored. I wanted to have another play session with my newest favorite toys."

He giggled. "This is going to be fun."

* * *

"What the..?" began Zareb walking further into the ruin.

He looked up and extended a hand out. It caught one of the falling objects and he stared at it in shock.

"How's it snowing in here?" he asked cautiously. "We're inside."

"Maybe there's a huge hole in the ruin" said Dijah catching a snowflake. "We are in a snowy climate, it could just be from outside."

They went even farther and noted that the place was sealed shut. Only candlelight illuminated the place, exposing the corners of the atrium room they were in.

"Is that the thing the wizard wanted?" inquired Zareb pointing to the end of the room.

Dijah nodded. It was a book, written in Nordic and bound with leather. Apparently he needed it for something urgent.

The Khajiit walked over to it and looked around.

"Is this it?" he wondered cautiously. "Something isn't right."

He picked up the book.

Nothing happened.

And ten seconds later…

Nothing happened again.

Dijah shrugged. "I guess we're okay."

Then something hit the top of his head.

He stopped. That wasn't snow.

He grabbed the small drop of liquid and stared at it in his palm. Then he screamed in terror and began running.

"Run!" he ordered sternly.

"What is it?!" demanded Zareb running with him.

"It's that...!"

Suddenly a huge tide washed over them and smashed them into a pillar, knocking the book out of their hands. Only then did they get a good luck at it.

"It's that black shit!" roared the Redguard. He then closed his mouth and tried to keep above water, hoping not to breathe it in.

Now that they were close, they could smell it even. It smelled like sugar and alcohol, as if it wanted to small tempting. Even so, they didn't dare touch it.

"Why do you resist it?" asked a voice.

They looked up and saw a man walking on the black fluid. He wore a long crimson robe with black hair that went well past his waist. His eyes were glowing red and he had an animal-like look over him.

"Why resist the Madness? Is there any point? I am inside of all of you, no matter how far you run. In this world, I am GOD!"

Suddenly the black fluid grew eyes, thousands of them opening up instantly. The man laughed loudly, howling mad.

"Dance my toys. DANCE!"

Zareb tried to run, but the fluid quickly cocooned over him and threw him across the room. He smashed into a pillar and lay there, the fluid slowly covered him.

"What will you do now?" asked Sheogorath turning to the Khajiit. "Your friend is dying. Any second he will becoming my slave. What will you do Khajiit?"

Dijah panted, trying to determine something.

Then he glanced to his left and saw the book. Grabbing it, he quickly shuffled through it.

"Oh, a little daytime reading? Not something I expected. In the middle of a fight."

The Khajiit stared at the foreign symbols, trying to determine what they were. None of them made any sense to him.

He frantically kept turning pages, hoping against hope that there was something he could use. The court wizard did need it. Perhaps he could..?

"Huh?" he muttered aloud. There was a symbol here he knew. Three of them.

"Shout" he whispered to himself. Then he sighed. Worth a shot.

"Oh? What did that little book tell you? Go on. Do something."

"FUS RO DAH!" roared the Khajiit.

A huge pillar of air blasted through the Madness and blew it aside, painting the walls with it.

Sheogorath stopped, completely caught off guard.

"What was that?" he muttered amazed.

Then he grinned maniacally.

"Excellent!" he yelled finally having fun. "Go on! Do something else!"

Dijah looked at himself, noticing that some odd golden aura was surrounding him. It disappeared and reappeared three times, something he found odd.

"What is this?" he murmured.

He looked at the book.

"When a Dragonborn uses a Shout without first knowing how to use it, he automatically uses up any Dragon soul he may have inside his body beforehand per word to obtain the knowledge necessary."

He grinned. "Dragonborn eh? I like the sound of that."

He quickly did some math. "I've slain at least ten dragons. I can do this."

Dijah glanced at the book. "I just have to be conservative."

He gripped the book and looked at his comrade across the room, still in the clutches of the Madness. "Don't worry partner. I won't leave you behind."

He glanced at Sheogorath, fire in his eyes. "I'll defeat you Mad God!"

The Daedric Prince shrieked with laughter. "Bring it on! Show me what you have, my little toy!"

The black fluid Madness began to leak from his mouth and eyes, pouring onto his crimson robe. Even still, he kept laughing.

"I wish to dismember you!" roared Sheogorath excited.

**Now I know that breaks some lore, but here's the explanation:**

**When a Dragonborn uses a Shout without the past experience (like the Greybeards), a Dragon Soul is deducted from his total count. basically, this skips around the whole menu unlock thing that would be impossible to explain in a story. That's why tons of Dragonborn from before were able to do it, since they always subconsciously absorbed Dragon Souls before even knowing it (Like the Hound or the Professional). Just a little explanation. Please review and let me know what you think!**


	21. Chapter 21

"FUS RO DAH!"

Sheogorath flew off his feet and smashed into a pillar, breaking the stones as he went.

He stood up, his Madness sliding off him without any effect. He grinned at his opponent, his eyes flashing.

"This is simply magnificent! It is fantastic! I must rent that book of yours sometime when I'm not trying to kill you!"

Dijah kept flipping through the pages, hoping to find something he could use in this battle. He had found a few good Shouts that would've worked in other scenarios, but he hadn't found one to use against someone like Sheogorath.

"Come on. Give me a banishing Shout" he murmured frantically. "There has to be something."

"And here I am!" roared Sheogorath flying forward, carving through the black Madness before him.

Dijah blocked the strike with his knives and threw him aside. Gritting his teeth, he made a quick decision.

"I can't fight him if he's that fast" he mused aloud. "I have to speed myself up."

He grinned as he reached a page. "That'll do."

Tucking the book into his pack, he raised his knives.

"SU GRAH DUN!" he yelled.

His golden aura flashed three times and his weapons were instantly covered in roaring winds. He crouched down and sprinted forward, aimed directly at the Daedric Prince.

"Come at me bro!" roared Sheogorath raising his arms, his weapons for that fight.

Dijah spun, even when knee-deep in Madness, and slashed him across the chest. It didn't break through his clothing, but he kept cutting.

Eventually, he hit something. The Prince splashed black blood from the wound.

The Khajiit stopped. "You bleed Madness?"

"Of course I do you foolish little kitty" taunted Sheogorath smiling. "My blood is black, you know?"

He grinned. "So let's see what color you bleed!"

The Prince leaped forward and punched out, his hand acting like a knife.

Dijah screamed in agony. His chest was burning and freezing all at once. He could even feel the Madness begin to siphon inside of him.

The Khajiit slashed him and ripped away the Madness covering the wound.

"You won't win that easily!" shouted Dijah.

"Win? What makes you think the Madness works for me?"

Sheogorath chuckled. "You are an idiot. Madness is completely different from me. It's like a separate creature. I can only access it and see through it. Madness does not work for me."

The Mad God paused. "I guess it's easy to mistake. I am insane beyond belief."

"I don't have time for this!" yelled the Khajiit. "Either you swing or I will."

"Don't be impatient. I started this battle and you can't say anything about the rate that it is going."

"Screw you!"

Sheogorath stopped fully. "Are you mad?"

He giggled. "Are you? You're ordering a GOD around!"

He began to laugh frantically. "Did I inject that much Madness in you already?! Have I really made you a true toy of mine?! Oh happy days! I wish to celebrate with a game of Dissection Poker!"

"I'm not mad, just pissed off!" roared Dijah. "I've had enough of your bullshit! I'm going to beat you to death!"

"Well if you say so. I need a beating anyway. Since I've been such a naughty little Daedra."

The Khajiit ran forward and swung his knives, cutting and stabbing frantically. It was like he was possessed by some force of nature, since he moved like a thunderstorm.

Sheogorath bucked under the furious blows, his chest cleaving open. He kept laughing though, not even bothered by the black blood spilling from his body.

"I won! I really did win! I haven't been this excited in forever! My little toy!"

"Die you soul-sucking piece of shit!" shouted the Dijah. "Return to the pit that you dragged your sorry ass out of!"

"Are you mad toy?! Is it because I injured your partner and drove him so far over the edge?! Is it because he's drowning in Madness?! What will you do toy?!"

The Khajiit grabbed him by the collar and hoisted him off his feet. Glaring into his eyes, he glanced at the book one last time.

"I'm going to…" he began reading frantically.

He scowled at him. "…KILL YOUR ASS!"

"HADRIM STAADNAU KRASAAR!" he yelled pressing his forehead into the Prince's.

Black blood exploded from Sheogorath's mouth and he grinned.

"Using Madness against me? You are a genius!"

The Daedric Prince collapsed to the ground and began chuckling. More Madness flowed from his eyes, making him appear like he was crying.

He looked up and kept grinning, blood flowing down his face.

"Hey? Didn't you know?"

His left eye exploded, pouring more Madness down his face.

"My blood is black, ya know?!" roared the Mad God laughing.

His nose and hair melted down into the black fluid and the rest of his head soon began to follow.

"Don't even think you beat me toy" said Sheogorath slinking into the sea of black fluid he was kneeling in. "I can't be gone. I'm inside everyone, including you. You've already lost."

Dijah nodded and scowled. "I understand."

"FUS RO DAH!"

The Daedric Prince exploded into black fluid and flew to the extremities of the room.

"Asshole" muttered the Khajiit.

The Madness, which was like a small lake before, was now draining into the ground. He quickly went over to his partner and checked on him.

"Zareb? Are you okay?"

The Redguard looked at him blankly, clearly out of it. His eyes didn't focus and his lips didn't move, but it was obvious he was alive.

"Come on" said the Khajiit throwing him over his shoulder. "Let's get gone."

He began to walk out of the ruin, trying his hardest to ignore his injuries. He hurt so terribly from his fight with a Daedric Prince and he knew that he had let some of the Madness inside of him. He needed to purge, but he had to get out of there immediately.

A wave of nausea swept over him and he had to fight not to vomit.

"Gotta…at least…get outside" he muttered desperately.

He finally made it outside and collapsed to the ground. He violently emptied his stomach, at least a few cups of Madness pouring from his lips.

"Good. Not as much as last time' he said wiping his mouth. "I'll be okay."

"Hey Dijah" whispered Zareb lying on the ground.

"Don't talk. I'll set up a camp"

"No. It's important."

He glanced at his partner. "What is it?"

The Redguard flipped over, revealing his face. His eyes were both black and his face was in a huge grin.

"My blood is black. Ya know?" asked Zareb with a voice that wasn't his own.

"Oh no" murmured Dijah. "It got you."

He began to cry slightly, the idea of losing his partner nearly painful. "Oh Zareb."

"Don't blame yourself. I let it happen."

The Khajiit stopped.

"It's all my fault Dijah. I let the Madness out. I cracked that bottle in the mansion; I let it come into my blood. I even let this new dose into me. So don't blame yourself. It's all my fault."

He began to laugh frantically. "It's all my fault! All my fault! ALL MY FAULT!"

**Before you ask, that wasn't a real Shout. It means Mind Unbound Sickness, otherwise known as Madness. The Madness Shout. Enjoy thinking about that.**


	22. Chapter 22

"What did you do to him?"

"Did you think I did this to him you old crow!? I would never do this to my friend!"

"I apologize Khajiit. But this is unacceptable."

Dijah nodded. "I understand. I didn't know. He never told me."

"Only when he was already mad and raving did he spill?" inquired Wuunferth.

"Exactly."

The Khajiit looked away, hiding his face. "Can you…can you fix him?"

"I don't even know" admitted the masked man in the corner, the one known as Zosimus. "It'll be difficult. Even with my skill in this subject, he is incredibly deep in it."

"I'll do anything. I don't care what it is or what your price is" said Dijah. "I just want my partn…my friend back."

"I understand perfectly well Dragonborn. But it's difficult."

The Khajiit stopped. "Wait, you mean you know?"

"Of course I did. I knew that book was there. I planted it."

Dijah leaped over to him and grabbed him by the lapels. "You knew this shit would happen!? Why didn't you warn me!?"

"I didn't know Sheogorath would appear there" said Zosimus calmly. "The fact your partner was hurt is a tragic loss."

"A loss? I'll kill your ass!"

"If you do so, your partner will never recover. No one is as skilled as I am in helping these cases."

The Khajiit scowled and spat on his mask. "Fine. We play your game."

"Good. Now, I will think this over. What I need you to do is rest. We might be going very far."

"Fine. I need to get some good in me."

Dijah walked away and left the two older gentlemen alone.

"How is he?" inquired Wuunferth.

"Bad. Really bad. I haven't seen a case like this for a while. I don't know how much I can do to help him."

Zosimus sighed. "I'm beginning to think this was a mistake."

"You don't say? That was an idiotic idea. Now we have an angry Dragonborn running around in the Stormcloak army. You were a damn fool."

"Yes. And I shall make up for it by taking back the things I did."

The court wizard nodded sharply. "Good. Now, let's figure out how we can help this Redguard."

* * *

Dijah poured another bottle of liquor down his throat and sighed. He had been doing this for almost ten minutes and he still didn't feel better. It always worked in the novels.

"Why do people drink otherwise?" he muttered in annoyance. "This stuff tastes like piss. If it doesn't make you feel better, why drink?"

Someone walked into the room, someone he knew. He glared at her.

"If you're here to interrupt me, fuck off."

"Oh, I wouldn't do that" said Agyia smiling. Internally she wanted to scream.

"_Shit. He wasn't supposed to be alive"_ she thought panicked. _"Lord Sheogorath said he'd kill them. That's what I get for trusting a Mad God."_

"I'm so sorry to hear about Zareb. He was a good man" she said trying to hide herself with sympathy.

"He is a good man" corrected Dijah. "I'm going to save him."

"I have no doubts. I wish you luck."

He grinned. "You're good at hiding yourself in sheep's clothing, little wolf."

She stopped dead.

"_How could he possibly have seen through that? Is the Madness making it easier for him to sense lies? How can he be so good at reading me?"_

"I have no idea what you're talking about silly kitty" she said smiling. "I really do feel bad for your friend."

"Please. Do you want him to get better because you care about him?"

He leaned forward. "Or is it because you work for Sheogorath and the guilt is eating away at you?"

She frowned, reaching for her sword at her hip.

Dijah smiled. "Go on bitch. I want a good fight right now."

He grabbed three bottles and smashed them against the table, making three jagged knives. Putting two in his hands and one in his mouth, he grinned.

"Come on. I want to hear you squeal like a pig" he taunted through the glass object.

"You're drunk. You shouldn't be fighting."

"It's all water. I did it so you'd lower your guard."

She paused, astonished again by his thinking. _"He really is a genius."_

"Well if that's the case, I see no need to let you live."

"Please try it."

They both stopped when someone walked into the room.

"Uh…should I come back later?" inquired Elvide nervously. She had her blonde hair in a braid and had her armor loosely strapped on.

Dijah spat out the bottle and threw the others aside. "No, not at all. I'm just a little tipsy and aggravated. I'm sorry Agyia. I didn't mean that stuff I said."

The redhead felt a vein in her forehead pulsate. _"He just loves toying with me. He's just like Sheogorath."_

"Oh, it's okay" she said letting go of her sword hilt. "I understand. Apology accepted."

Elvide grinned. "Good. I hate breaking up fights."

She walked over to the barrel and grabbed a bottle of mead.

"It's a shame what happened to your partner" she said sipping the concoction.

"I'm trying not to think about it" muttered the Khajiit.

"Well that's too bad. Because I can't stop thinking about it."

"Tell me about it."

Elvide sighed. "I feel that it's somehow my fault."

"Cry me a river. I already got a decent stream going myself."

She glared at him. "I want to help."

"Well that's…wait what?"

The blonde Stormcloak smiled. "I want to help you save Zareb. I want to see that big idiot back to fighting shape. I'll gladly help you."

"Well…"

The Khajiit smiled. "Thank you. I need that."

"Well let's go check with Wuunferth. I think he's got to have some idea on what to do."

He nodded. "Let's go."

They both stood and began to walk off.

Dijah looked at Agyia and his eyes flashed with anger.

"If I come back and you're within a mile of this place, I'll make a carpet from your skin" he threatened. "Tell Sheogorath to kiss my ass for me."

"Gladly" she said smiling.


	23. Chapter 23

_Zareb woke up to a ticking noise._

_He looked around. He was in a room, a room painted black. The only light came from an unknown source in the ceiling, illuminating the spot he was standing on. _

_Next to him was a small table with a strange device. Instantly he knew the device was making that noise. It moved ever so slightly and a small metal rod swung back in forth._

"_Metronome" he murmured. He had seen one before, in a bard's room in Solitude. Don't ask why he was in the bard's room. Things happened, not all of them discussable._

"_That noise…it's bothering me" he muttered annoyed. _

_He stood staring at it for ten minutes at least, but it was hard to tell since he couldn't tell time. _

"_Make it stop" he said reaching for it. But his hand stopped for some reason. _

"_I…I…I can't turn it off" he murmured stunned. _

_His hand crumbled into a fist. "Like shit I can't!"_

_He forced himself forward, shoving his arm towards the machine. Even still, he met some kind of barrier that slowed his arm down to a crawl._

"_What's…holding…me…back?" he asked with emphasis._

* * *

"Holy shit! Restrain him!"

The trio of guards tackled Zareb and forced him back onto the bed, pinning him by his arms.

"We can't let him escape! Wuunferth needs him alive!"

"MAKE IT STOP!" roared the Redguard desperately, resisting their efforts. Only his left eye was fully black with Madness now, but it was bleeding ever so slightly onto his face.

"Try not to hurt him!" urged one of the guards. "He's not in control of his actions!"

Zareb finally got one of his arms free and tore at his face, scratching four lines down his cheek just from his nails.

"Fuck! Get the manacles!"

The Redguard kept scratching at his face, peeling through his skin.

"DIJAH!" he screamed letting his new blood flow. It was black as pitch and sparkled with light all over him. "PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!"

* * *

_Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick…_

_Zareb clutched at his hair, closing his eyes exasperated. _

"_Make it stop" he whispered desperately, hoping someone would hear him. "Please. I'm…"_

_He opened his eyes; both of them now pitch black. "I'm drowning in Madness."_

_He stopped and looked around. He was in a different location this time. It looked like Ivarstead, the place where he had grown up. It wasn't like he remembered it though. It was very foggy and dark, like it was a morning after a great storm. And the eyes…_

_Every building had eyes all over them, the ones he knew and hated. They were the eyes of Madness, the ones he had seen when Sheogorath appeared. _

"_Hello mister. Are you lost too?"_

_He turned and saw that a little girl was standing with him in the street. She looked like an ordinary Nord girl, with long braided hair and large innocent eyes._

"_Little girl. Are you stuck in the Madness too?"_

_She giggled. "That's funny. What makes you think I'm stuck?"_

_He paused, caught off guard by her words._

_The little girl happily skipped by him, ruffling her dress. "I'm not stuck in Madness at all. See? I can dance and play and sing and do anything I want to while I'm in here. You're stuck though."_

"_Why? What can I do to not be stuck?" inquired Zareb curiously. _

_She laughed. "It's simple. It's like a river. If you try to resist it, it hurls you around like straw. But if you go with it…it feels like you're in control."_

"_That's nonsense. Madness controls you."_

"_Is that so bad?"_

_The little girl then floated into the air, lying back on a cushion of air. _

"_See? Sure I have to let go of my sanity, but what's the point of such a useless thing? Name one instance where sanity will get you anywhere."_

_Zareb paused. "You…you're right."_

_She smiled and landed on her feet. Walking towards him, she extended a hand._

"_Come on then. I'll gladly show you how to be happy."_

"_**Don't you realize how stupid you're being right now Zareb?"**_

_The Redguard paused, the girl having disappeared on him._

_He turned to the other voice, the one that had much more authority. _

"_Who are you?" he asked looking at the person._

_The person was another child, this one a Redguard. He was small, barely going to his waist, but he stood there with a straight spine and courage. He didn't even look fazed by the environment around him._

"_**Does it matter?"**__ replied the child. __**"What matters is you getting out of here."**_

_Zareb glanced at the street, where he could barely see five feet ahead of him. "How do I get out?"_

"_**Just go to the place you know you need to be. That's how you escape."**_

_He looked around. "Where I need to be..?"_

"_**Yes."**_

"_Where is that?"_

_The child shook his head. __**"I can't tell you that. Only you know the answer to that."**_

_He turned and began walking into the fog._

"_Wait!" protested Zareb. "Please don't leave me!"_

"_**I'm not"**__ said the child slowly disappearing. __**"But be careful. You can't get lost in here."**_

_Zareb stopped, trying to figure out what the child had said._

"_The place I need to be?"_

_He glanced to the side, seeing a small fence. He looked over it and saw a house. This one didn't have the eyes on them, and he knew it well._

"_My home…" he murmured. _

_He walked through the gate, feeling the grass on the path. It looked exactly like what it had when he left. He remembered the oak tree in the corner and the small rock that was practically planted in the middle of the yard. It looked like he had never left._

"_Why is this place different?"_

_He paused, seeing something flicker past his face. It looked like a burning chunk of ash._

_He whirled to face the house, which was already in flames._

"_What?! What's happening?!" he yelled panicked._

"_Isn't it obvious?" asked a familiar voice. _

_The little girl from the street appeared, floating ever so slightly in the burning air. _

"_You disobey Miss Maven. She burnt your house down. Don't you remember that?"_

"_No! I'm still working on the assignment!"_

_The girl giggled. "It's cute how you think she would keep her word. Didn't you say you wouldn't trust her? Now who's the one who's mad?"_

"_You filthy little cu...!" began Zareb._

_Then he stopped. There was nothing in front of him, no house, no tree, no rock, no girl. It was like the place had never existed. _

_He collapsed to his knees, clutching at his hair. "What's real…and what isn't real?"_

"_**That's a good question"**__ said the Redguard child from before. __**"When your mind is consumed in Madness, how can you tell?"**_

"_You keep saying things that don't make any sense" muttered Zareb. "Why should I even listen to you?"_

"_**I'm not the one seeing things. I'm perfectly sane."**_

_He snarled. "Get away from me. You're no help at all. I got here and now there's nothing."_

"_**Who said this is the place you needed to be?"**_

"_Then what?"_

_Zareb snapped at him. "Just answer my damn question without the goddamn riddles! I don't have time for this shit!"_

"_**Very well."**_

_The child flicked the sleeves of his shirt. __**"You have to stare into your heart."**_

"_My heart?"_

"_**Yes. The source of Madness isn't the brain, it's the heart. Why do you let it take over?"**_

_He glared at the child. "You think it's the easy? Just, resist? I feel like I'm buried in a burning grave even when I'm letting it take control of me. When I fight it, it's like I got thrown into a star. It hurts…so badly."_

"_**The Madness doesn't hurt. It's bringing up the pain in your heart to use it against it. It's trying to show you that feeling normal emotions are bad for you by bringing them all to the surface. Regret, guilt, sadness. It uses your own memories and feelings against you. It's a ruthless and intelligent enemy."**_

"_So what? What are you trying to say?"_

_The child smiled. __**"You aren't succumbing because you're weak. You're succumbing because you're too strong."**_

"_So what do I do? Do I become weaker?"_

"_**That wouldn't be a good idea. Your strength is half what's keeping it at bay. Because of that, your body is still under your control. However, your emotions are the weak side, allowing it to control your mind. If you were completely weak, you'd be nothing but a hollow husk of Madness."**_

"_So these emotions? What do I do with them?"_

_The child paused, rubbing his temples with thin fingers. __**"That's complex. You'll have to embrace them. You're a warrior, meaning that you had to suppress your guilt and remorse for killing people. Because of that, your emotions have become your weak point. Now you have to find a way to make them stronger."**_

"_Can you show me how?"_

"_**I would be lying if I said it was easy. I don't even know how. But I know one thing, there is a door you have to do through."**_

"_A door? Where?"_

_The child stepped to the side, revealing a simple wooden door. __**"Through here."**_

_Zareb ruffled his hair. "Are you sure? Last time I listened to you, it didn't go over so well."_

"_**Well that's too bad. Would you rather listen to the little girl?"**_

_The warrior paused. "Fine."_

_He walked over to the door and reached for the knob. _

"_I guess this is my only choice" he murmured._


	24. Chapter 24

Wuunferth rubbed his temples. "So this option is the only one available to us?"

Zosimus nodded. "Unfortunately, we have to. There is only one way to get rid of the Madness inside of the Redguard's head."

"But this…this is suicide."

"No it is not. I assure you, this is entirely possible. Unlikely at best, but survivable."

The court wizard sighed. "Damn it. I wish we wouldn't have to do this."

Dijah walked in, followed closely by Elvide.

"I hope you have a solution to our problem" said the Khajiit. "Because I am mega-pissed off right now."

Wuunferth nodded, holding up a rolled up map. "There is only one man to remove the negative effects of Madness. The shrine of Sheogorath."

He opened the map and revealed the location. It was near Markarth, supposedly under a mountain. "If you visit the shrine, there is a ritual that will drain all of the Madness out of your partner's body. Thankfully, we have someone here who knows how to do the ritual."

Zosimus raised his hand. "I've done it for a few people. Your partner is not the worst case I've seen before."

Dijah smiled. "Good. What else?"

"That's it. We leave immediately."

The Khajiit cleared his throat. "Well then, you should be aware of something."

They all stopped when a Stormcloak soldier appeared in the doorway.

"Wuunferth!" yelled the man desperately.

"What is it? We're discussing something."

"A thousand apologies, but Zareb has broken free! We don't know where he is!"

"Shit!" exclaimed Dijah. "He's gone with Agyia."

"Why would he go with the captain?" inquired Elvide.

"Simple. She's a servant of Sheogorath."

Wuunferth smashed his fist into the table. "Damn. I should've seen it. No wonder she left around the same time your partner succumbed to Madness. Damn my short sightedness."

Zosimus gripped his robe with a white knuckle fist. "If she's a servant of him, she'll be going to the shrine. She'll want to seal Zareb with Madness, which also can be done at the shrine."

"Then we're going immediately" ordered Dijah. "I want my friend back."

"So do I" interjected Elvide. "I never thought I'd like him, but he's a good guy."

"He's a great guy. And I'm getting him home. Even if it kills me."

Zosimus nodded. "Good. You're coming with me."

The Khajiit glared at him. "Why should I trust you? Because of you, my friend just ran off with the most dangerous bitch in the Stormcloak army."

"Did you honestly think I wanted any of this to happen? He would've succumbed to Madness anyway. You knew that. What happened was an accident."

Dijah scoffed. "Fine, whatever. Let's get going."

The masked man reached for a sword hanging on the wall and grabbed it. It appeared to be some kind of scimitar, but made of Malachite with a ruby stone in the center of the blade.

"Well there's no point in wasting time. The longer we wait, the closer your friend gets to death."

* * *

_Zareb walked through the marsh, which looked exactly like the one that was near his home. Unlike that marsh, there weren't any creatures here. There were only trees, which were far more gnarled and twisted than the other ones. _

"_I don't even know why I'm walking" he murmured sloshing in the water. He noted that his feet didn't get wet, but he tried not to think about it. He was stepping in Madness after all. Anything could happen._

"_Where am I going?"_

_He sighed. "Well there wasn't anything back at the town. This was the most logical step."_

_He chuckled. "I'm drowning in Madness and I'm thinking logically. That's…ugh my brain's hurting trying to comprehend if I'm crazy or sane."_

_He reached a small island and saw that the tree on it had an apple on it. Which was odd considering how it wasn't a flowering or fruit-bearing tree, but he didn't try to think about that. The person sitting in the tree was far more important._

"_Hey mister" said the little girl twirling her hair braid. She was hanging upside down with her knees keeping her suspended from the branch. Despite her upside-down position, her dress didn't even move._

"_Fuck off you little bitch" he snapped._

"_Ah, don't be mean mister."_

_She reached out and grabbed the apple. Snapping it off the branch, she held it temptingly in front of him. _

"_I just wanted to offer you a bite to eat. You've been walking for three days and I thought you were hungry."_

"_Please. You're messing with me. It's only been an hour."_

"_An hour, three days, what does it matter? There's never a bad time for an apple."_

_She giggled. "Especially one as juicy as this one."_

_She held up a second one, which already had a bite taken out of it. The outside was crimson red, but the inside of the apple was pitch black. The juice was Madness, leaking onto her hand._

_She bit into it, the Madness flowing over her face and neck._

"_Come on mister. Having a snack is so much better when you have someone with you."_

"_Get bent. I don't want anything you can offer."_

_Zareb kept walking through the marsh. He had no idea what direction he was going, or if he was going in circles. _

"_Hey mister."_

"_Ah shit what do you want ya little prick?"_

"_Ah, why you being mean? You've been gone for ten hours."_

_He glanced at her. "You're on a different tree."_

"_Yeah, I do that."_

_He sighed. "Man, it's getting boring out here. I feel like I'm going in circles."_

"_You are mister."_

"_Fuck."_

_He kicked himself mentally. _

"_Whatever. I'll just keep walking?"_

"_Don't you get tired?"_

"_This is inside my own psyche. I can't even feel anything."_

_The little girl mused quietly, then threw the apple at him._

_It hit him in the head and he recoiled._

"_Ow! You bitch! That smarts!"_

"_Hmm. Your theory has been disproved."_

_He snarled. "Whatever. So what? I'm not even tired. I don't need to breathe either."_

"_Fine mister. Just keep walking. Keep walking. Keep walking…"_

_He scoffed and did just that._

"_Keep walking" he murmured to himself. "Keep…"_

_He smacked himself. "Stop that. You can't lose it."_

"_Lose what mister?"_

"_I told you to fuck off!"_

_The little girl pouted. "You're mean when you're insane."_

"_Only to little bitches."_

"_I'm not little! I'm fun-size!"_

_He groaned. "Gods, why do you get more annoying the more I talk to you?"_

"_Social development. When two people know each other, it is common practice to drop the falsified charade of kindness and reveal more of the original personality."_

_He glanced at her. "Man, I understand barely half of that."_

"_Wow, your mind really is the weak part of you."_

_He growled. "You better go or I'll tear you in half."_

"_Violent one aren't you? It'll be fun to watch what you do when you're raving mad and foaming at the mouth like a dog."_

_He chuckled cheekily. "Bring it bitch. I got nothing to lose."_

_She looked at him blankly. "That's not true. You have your family, your friends, that Dijah guy. And Elvide."_

_He narrowed his eyes. "I already ran away. I can't hurt anyone even if I tried."_

"_That's not true."_

_Before she could reply more, he saw something through the mist. He paused, uncertain._

"_I know that person" he murmured._

_He turned. The little girl wasn't there anymore._

"_Hmm. Good riddance."_

_Zareb walked onto the solid ground before him and stopped in front of the person he had seen._

_Agyia smiled at him. "Hello Zareb. I've been expecting you."_

_He grinned, his eyes flashing black._

"_Of course ma'am."_

_He burst into laughter, Madness pouring from his mouth. _

"_Shit" murmured his inner psyche. "I got lost…"_


	25. Chapter 25

The company walked over across the road, a team of four men. In front was Zosimus, who knew the way. Behind him was Dijah and Elvide, who volunteered. The last man they hadn't seen or heard from all day.

"Why isn't Wuunferth with us?" inquired the Khajiit.

"Simple. He is not allowed to leave Windhelm. Ulfric's orders" clarified the masked man.

"Damn. Then whose the guy behind us?"

"A familiar face" replied the man throwing off his hood.

Dijah looked at him. "Wow. You're Balnor, that Talos priest."

"Correct."

"Why are you here?"

The priest smiled. "Dragonborn, I am an expert on the Thu'um. It is my honor to serve you to better master the Voice. I have been an expert since Ulfric taught me. I will happily give you my knowledge."

"Knowledge?"

"Correct. An experienced user in the Voice can impart his knowledge of various Shouts onto a novice, allowing instant mastering of them. Usually it's dangerous, since most minds can't tolerate the knowledge, but your Dragonborn mind was built for it. I can teach you dozens of Shouts."

Dijah smiled. "How about Frost Breath?"

"Child's play. Just let me get ready."

The priest whispered some words to himself and a golden aura wrapped around him.

"Fo Krah Diin" he whispered, the ground rumbling around him.

The aura traveled over to the Khajiit and sank into his chest.

Dijah felt the aura spread into his organs warmly, like he as being filled with light. It was very comforting, but he felt a deep power radiate from the heat as well. It was like any second he could explode violently.

Balnor collapsed to his knees, the aura leaving him.

"Shit!" exclaimed Elvide grabbing him. "Are you okay?"

"I am fine" he answered. "It takes a lot out of me to do that though. If I do this enough times, I won't be able to help you in the battle. So either you have to be weaker Dragonborn and accept my aid, or leave me behind and empower yourself."

"I have to rescue my friend" stated the Khajiit.

"Very well. I will help you until I collapse."

"That will have to wait until we find the place" said Zosimus. "We aren't carrying you."

"Of course. What is the plan anyway?"

"Simple. First, we must assume that Sheogorath is inside this place along with Agyia. No doubt they have some sort of defense prepared to stop us. I must defeat Sheogorath, so I must penetrate deeper into the facility. Someone will have to fight Agyia, and another will have to hold off the primary defenses near the entrance."

"We will determine that when we get there" answered Elvide. "But I want to slug that bitch in the face at least once. Even if she's a corpse."

"Such a fierce attitude" noted Balnor. "But I can understand."

"Yeah. I'm going to beat that bitch senseless" murmured Dijah.

* * *

Agyia smiled at her newest acquaintance, giggling like a schoolgirl. She had lost her typical composure and was indulging in this new behavior with glee.

"So Zareb, how is it? Being mad?"

He grinned. "It's the most fun I've ever had."

"Damn right it is!" yelled Sheogorath. This time he was wearing what appeared to be a pink robe, with rainbows and clouds all over it. His hair was also a shade of pink, along with his eyes.

"My Lord, why are you dressed like that?" inquired Agyia.

"I was at a Pride meeting" answered the Mad God.

"Oh? Did you see Dijah there?"

"No, but I saw his dads!"

They both laughed, clearly having gone mad.

"Eh, it's funny because we're making fun of his sexuality" muttered Sheogorath.

"Lord Sheogorath, explaining the joke ruins it" stated Agyia.

He viciously back-handed her, throwing her across the room. She landed in a heap, bleeding from the place he had struck.

"I didn't ask for your opinion" he snarled. "I like Zareb, not you. You're boring."

His eyes flashed. "I HATE boring things."

She quivered in fear. "My Lord…please…"

He strode forward, his right arm expanding into a solid Madness blade, as sharp as any blade.

"Wait" urged Zareb. "I like her."

Sheogorath chuckled. "Really? How?"

"She's got nice breasts."

Agyia blushed, but hoped desperately that her bosom would now get her out of this situation. Not the first time it had gotten her out of thick and thin.

The Mad God waved the blade away. "Fine. I guess that's good enough evidence."

"Thanks. Bitch."

Sheogorath chuckled. "That's a good little toy."

He turned to the other two men in the room. "Gentlemen, are you ready?"

The two of them weren't exactly sure what was going on, but didn't care. They were in it for the money.

One of them, a frail Bosmer, looked up. He had a long staff on his lap that went almost to ten feet away from him, with a large open circle at the top. He was wearing multiple scarves, with only one eyes exposed.

"Of course" stated Angolim blankly. "Just give us the money when we're done."

"A non-issue. I always pay my debts. Usually."

The Orc grunted coldly. He had a huge paddle-like weapon near him, which was nearly as tall as he was. He wore a set of Malachite armor that covered his skin almost completely, including a huge helmet with a visor.

Sheogorath turned. "Now, I think it's time we started this little tea-party."


	26. Chapter 26

The company of three men walked into the shrine, which was built inside of the mountain they had found it in. It looked like a typical Nordic ruin, but so did that other place. The room here was a long atrium with many columns in two rows before them. It seemed to stretch into infinity, with the rest being shadows out of their sight. They had left Balnor behind, who had exhausted himself teaching the Dragonborn various Shouts. He would've been more of a nuisance than an asset.

"I detect him" noted Zosimus. "Sheogorath is deeper inside."

He sniffed. "I also sense Zareb and Agyia. And…two souls I do not recognize."

"Those are probably the guardians" said Elvide.

Suddenly a lightning bolt charged through the air, flying and illuminating the atrium.

"I know that bolt" murmured Dijah.

He blocked it and stared into the shadows.

"Come on out. Angolim. Grul. I know it's you two."

The atrium suddenly lit up with candles, throwing light all across it.

At the end of the atrium were the two men, one of them towering over the other. They stood there calmly, without a single trace of doubt or fear.

"Damn. We got you again?" inquired the Bosmer. "What a stroke of shit luck. I actually kind of liked you."

"We cannot let you live" said the Orc.

"I know."

Zosimus strode forward. "Gentlemen, let me pass. I have to get deeper inside."

"Against orders" stated Angolim. "We can't let you."

"It wasn't a question" spat the masked man.

"And it wasn't a fib" snarled the Bosmer. "Don't even…"

The masked man suddenly disappeared, reappearing right behind them.

"You're so slow" he murmured.

They whirled around, but he began sprinting.

"Forget him" ordered Angolim. "We were ordered to defend against as many as possible…"

He stopped because someone had kicked him in the face. He snarled and swiped with his staff, barely missing the kicker.

"It's all yours Dijah!" yelled Elvide catching up with Zosimus.

"Right" stated the Khajiit.

He stared at his two old opponents. "So here we are."

Angolim nodded. "I'm sorry. But money is money. This guy pays."

He threw one of his scarves off, revealing his young and scarred face. "Goodbye."

Grul removed his helmet. "My condolences."

Dijah drew his daggers and sunk into a defensive stance.

"Su Grah Dun" he whispered quietly.

His weapons spiraled with wind and he twirled them, getting a feel for their accelerated speed.

"Thanks Balnor. I'm gonna win because of you" he muttered.

"Now is not the time to get distracted!" roared Angolim flying forward.

Dijah deflected the staff aimed at his head and sliced him in the leg.

Turning, he rolled out of the way of the next blow.

Grul slammed his paddle into the ground, one-handing the damn thing.

The Khajiit kept dodging backwards, preparing for the next assault.

The Orc charged forward, his paddle dragging into the ground.

"MUL QAH DIIV!" he yelled raising his arms.

White energy enveloped his arms and torso, surrounding him in a set of armor.

The paddle smashed into it and held there, not even breaking his defense.

"He…caught it?" muttered Grul amazed.

Then Dijah slashed him in the chest, tearing off a chunk of his armor.

Angolim came in and stabbed at him, throwing him across the room.

The Khajiit rolled to his feet and blocked the next strike. Stepping backwards, he kept blocking and deflecting, trying to get an opening in the Bosmer's defense.

Angolim swiped in a huge arc and sent him scurrying away. Aiming his staff, he fired a bolt of lightning.

Dijah dodged the blow and sprinted forward, his daggers ready to stab.

Grul smashed him in the chest with the paddle, sending him flying.

The Khajiit slammed into a pillar and looked up in time to see the staff aimed at his neck.

He ducked under it and stabbed Angolim in the chest. Twisting the knives, he slashed them out, taking a good chunk of his skin with it.

"Bitch!" roared the Bosmer livid.

Dijah ran to Grul, grinning cockily.

The Orc swung and the Khajiit slid under the paddle, slicing at his ankles as he went.

Grul sank to one of his knees, his left foot now completely useless.

Angolim filled the gap and caught Dijah in his circle.

Throwing him into the air, he caught him again and tossed him across the atrium.

The Khajiit bounced when he landed and groaned in pain. This was not going too well.

The Bosmer glared at him, panting heavily. "Come on. You can't beat us. Two against one. Not a fair game."

Dijah grinned, standing unsteadily. "Really?"

He settled into an offensive stance.

"Tiid Klo Ul" he muttered.

Then he disappeared, just like the man from before.

Grul felt a knife in his knee, turning to stare at the feline behind him.

Dijah left the knife and sprinted up a column, going to at least ten feet high.

He flew backwards and aimed right at the Orc's head.

"Falcon Drop-kick!" he yelled smashing his foot into his face.

Grul fell backwards and slammed into the ground, dizzy and disoriented.

Dijah was still in the air, however, and adjusted himself through his Slow Time Shout.

"RAAGH!" he roared falling down, his knife fully out.

His dagger punched clean through the Orc's head, entering his head and ending his life.

"Grul!" shouted Angolim. "You bastard!"

Dijah stood and let go of his knife, leaving himself unarmed.

He tightened one of his fists and teleported in front of the Bosmer.

"FUS RO DAH!" he yelled punching him in the face.

The Bosmer flew through the air and slammed into a pillar, the force he had just been subject to having enough power to fracture his spine. He collapsed, completely dead.

The Khajiit breathed heavily, the effects of the continuous Shouting making it hard to stay conscious. "Damn. Was that all?"

**Before you even ask, yes. I based that fight off of Ornstein and Smough's battle. Man that shit was hard! I wish I did it like Dijah did it. **


	27. Chapter 27

Zosimus and Elvide ran through the halls of the Nordic ruin, now free of obstacles.

"Remain vigilant" advised the masked man. "It is possible they had a secondary defense planned."

"Roger" she replied drawing her fishhook sword.

He threw off his cloak, revealing an assortment of various weapons. He had a trio of javelins, a pouch of throwing knives and what appeared to be a boomerang. It was quite amazing that he managed to hide all of them underneath one piece of fabric.

They reached the end of the hallway and came to another dark room. They were standing on a platform with a large space ahead of them into darkness. It appeared that there were stairs leading down, but they could barely see down those either.

"Let's move" ordered Zosimus. "I can smell the Madness."

His eyes widened. "Shit."

A large stone smashed onto the platform, completely flat against it.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" yelled Sheogorath. He had his head thrown back in laughter and was seated in the center of the room all the way at the bottom. "Was that it? I've had more fun with dead skeevers!"

Suddenly the block split right down the middle, as if it was made to be cut there.

Zosimus stood in the center of the block's remains, holding his boomerang sword. It was glowing red and shaking slightly.

"Not bad" muttered the Daedric Prince. "You're more entertaining than a dead skeever, but still lower than mudcrabs. Such cute little bundles of XP and blood."

The masked man spun the boomerang, aiming carefully.

"Oh, having mischievous thoughts are we? That won't do at all."

Agyia appeared beside him, holding a long curved dagger. "My lord, just stay there. I'll take care of these insects."

"Really? Well let's see that" said Sheogorath lying back on a bed of air.

Elvide began to growl, gripping her hooksword.

"What are you going to do?" inquired Zosimus concerned. "Why did you want to fight her?"

The Nord woman leaned forward. "I'm going…"

She leaped down, raising her sword high. "TO KICK HER ASS!"

"Hmm. How amusing" murmured Agyia blocking the strike.

They clashed together and began spinning rapidly, clashing weapons against each other.

"I'm going to kill you bitch!" yelled Elvide slicing her in the arm.

The redhead chuckled. "Why? I didn't do anything to you."

The Nord grabbed her and threw her into a wall. Getting a better grip on her sword, she flew forward.

The hook caught in Agyia's armor and ripped off the plate on the abdomen.

Wrapping her hand into a fist, she slugged her clean in the gut.

The redhead gasped, but quickly slashed her in the face with her dagger.

"If you want to kill me, you're going to have to try harder" she taunted.

"Shut up!" roared the Nord readjusting her sword.

Sheogorath chuckled. "Nothing like a good cat fight to get the old testosterone going, eh?"

He turned to Zosimus. "I bet I look absolutely ridiculous right now.'

"Considering how you're wearing a pink robe with fluffy clouds, yes" answered the masked man.

"Damn. I was hoping this would be a serious matter."

The Daedric Prince shrugged. "Oh well."

He flicked his wrist and a black sword appeared in his grip. It had the comedy/tragedy faces in the blade and it appeared to be writhing in agony as it was being held.

"So, this your first time fighting a Daedric Prince?" inquired Sheogorath.

"My fourth. I must admit, the others were a little more fearsome."

"Oh? Like who?"

"Molag Bal, Mehrunes Dagon, Boethiah and Vaermina."

"Oh, those little boys. Well, Molag and Dagon are. Boethiah is, I don't even know, and Vaermina is a girl, I think. So hard to tell when you're genderless. A problem mortals don't have, usually."

"Yeah. Now are we going to spend all day talking or are we really going to kill each other?"

"Oh, we're so going to kill each other. I won't relinquish my grip on my newest toys without a fight."

The Mad God swung without warning, grinning madly from under his pink hair.

Zosimus blocked the strike, noting how powerful the swing was.

"Interesting. How much power were you able to seal into your body?" he asked.

"Oh, about fifty percent."

"That's all?"

Sheogorath chuckled. "Please. I can usually only fit twenty. This is the best body I;ve ever had."

"You are surprising me Sheogorath. Why are you so out of character? You are never this focused."

The Mad God grinned. "I like my toys. These two mortals are some of the best I've seen in so long. And I really hate it when my toys are taken away from me. I'll play with them until they break in my hands and I replace them with something else. The downtime is when I'm most insane. Now, I'm just trying to entertain myself as long as possible."

He giggled. "I think I'm doing a damn fine job too! I feel alive again!"

He kicked Zosimus to the other side of the room and raised his sword.

"Cry of Madness" he muttered.

The masks on his swords opened and screamed, blasting the room with sound.

"Come on!" he roared sprinting forward. "Fight me! Maybe you'll be my next toy!"

Zosimus snarled. "Unlikely."

He drew his throwing knives and tossed them underhanded, adjusting his sword in the process.

Sheogorath chuckled and the blades disintegrated into ash, blowing into the wind.

"My Cry destroys such meager tools" he stated licking his lips.

"Duly noted."

The masked man reached for his javelins and launched them forward.

The spears ate into the Daedric Prince's chest and lodged themselves in there, punching clean through him.

"Nice" muttered Sheogorath. "Really nice dude."

He yanked one of them out and grunted. "Hmm. Blessed javelins. How impressive. Know many priests?"

"A few."

"Nice. Very nice."

The Daedric Prince grinned. "Now, I think it's time I brought one of my trump cards out."

"What?"

Sheogorath chuckled. "Who do you think?"

Someone walked out from the shadows, holding his head in his hands. He didn't look too good, with sweat pouring from his body and a violent shaking over him.

"Oh gods" muttered the masked man. "What did you do to him?"

Elvide stared at the man. "Zareb?"

"Stay back!" roared the Redguard. "I can't control myself!"

He chuckled madly, grinning wildly.

"Zareb, it's me" murmured Elvide stepping closer to him. "It's Elvide, your friend."

"I need to do something Elvide" he muttered in reply.

She smiled softly. "What is it then? Tell me."

He grinned, revealing his eyes. They were completely black with Madness pouring down from his tear ducts.

"I need to dismember you!" he shouted letting the Madness leak from his mouth and nostrils.

"Oh gods Zareb…" whispered Elvide in horror.

Agyia laughed coldly. "Your little boyfriend belongs to us now."

The Nord gripped her sword. "You…"

She whirled around, slicing with her blade in the same motion. "You BITCH!"

"Ah, did I piss you off?" murmured Agyia.

Zareb stepped in between them and blocked Elvide's strike.

She stared at her friend stunned. "You really are…"

He grinned at her and kicked her in the stomach.

She collapsed to the ground, holding her aching gut.

"Damn it."

He chuckled. "Gods, I love this feeling. No regret, no guilt, no second thoughts. Madness truly is…"

"ZAREB!"

He turned and saw a long dagger aimed at his head.

"Holy…" he began stunned.

Dijah slashed him across the face, hitting down to the cheekbone. His face was full of rage, as if the sight of his best friend like this was driving him over the edge.

The Redguard chuckled and drew his sword. It was now covered in metallic Madness and had a large eye on the blade.

"Eye of Madness."

"FUS RO DAH!" roared the Khajiit in response.

Zareb flew to the ground, his sword escaping his grip.

"Take care of that bitch" ordered Dijah gripping his daggers. "I'm going to beat some sense back into my friend."

Elvide nodded. "Good luck."

"I might need it" murmured the Khajiit walking over to his downed comrade.


	28. Chapter 28

Dijah grabbed Zareb and hoisted him to his feet. Gripping him by the lapels, he proceeded to smack him rapidly in the face.

"What up you arrogant bastard!" he yelled resorting to punches. "I didn't do all this shit just so you would ignore me!"

Zareb chuckled, Madness leaking from the wounds. "Violence eh? That's one way to say hello."

"Don't mess with me. I came here to save my friend, and damn everything, that's what I'm going to do!" snapped the Khajiit.

"Eh. You were always so damn annoying."

The Redguard shoved him away, picking up his sword. "What makes you think I want to be rescued?"

"That's the Madness talking!" protested Dijah.

"Is it? You're completely sane. You can't possibly understand me."

"Is that it? Is that all I need to do? Become insane like you?"

The Khajiit pulled out what appeared to be a small vial. It was filled with a black fluid that swirled with hundreds of points of life.

"I'll take you up on that" he growled popping the cork.

"Dijah! Don't!" roared Zosimus. "Sheogorath is right here! The Madness will overwhelm you!"

"Good" murmured Dijah gulping it down.

He shuddered, the sickly sweet taste invading his mouth. He felt it pour into his sinuses, invading his mind as it did so.

"Wow. That's better than Skooma" he muttered amazed.

"How does it taste, my toy?" inquired Sheogorath.

"Awesome."

The Khajiit licked his chops, his eyes turning black. "Heh. I still have control."

The Mad God paused. "What?"

He narrowed his eyes. "No. No, no, no, NO!"

Madness poured from his eyes and ears, flowing onto his pink robe. "How are you resisting it?! Your mind is completely insane, but you still have free will! This is not possible!"

"Don't be distracted" reminded Zosimus slashing him in the chest.

"You bastard! You did something to him to make it harder for me to control him! You are responsible for ruining my toy!" roared Sheogorath.

"Are you joking? That's all the Dragonborn's willpower. I have nothing to do with that."

Dijah glanced at Zareb. "Hey sexy."

The Redguard shifted uncomfortably. "Uh oh. You again. I remember you. I don't know how to deal with this."

"Well, just lie back and take it" advised the Khajiit tightening his claws. "When I'm done, you'll ache in places you didn't know you had."

He flew forward and slashed his friend in the chest, bypassing his armor.

Zareb swung his sword but missed, frantically trying to hit him.

"Ah, trying to shut me up eh?" murmured Dijah pouting. "You might want to try to be harder. I'm one durable little bitch."

"Man, I want to take a nap now" muttered Zareb.

"Get your ass up" ordered Sheogorath.

"But sir!"

"Get moving or I'll stab you again!"

"Not with Mr. Knifey!"

"Yes with Mr. Knifey!"

Zareb groaned. "Ah man. This sucks. I hate being insane."

"I love it!" roared Dijah slashing him in the chest. "I feel like I drank a bottle of lightning and snorted some thunder along with it!"

"Well I'm glad you like it. I get shoved around and kicked like a dog."

"You kick dogs?"

"No, but other people do."

"Oh. True that. I hate dogs."

Zareb rubbed his head. "Can we go home and take a nap? I'm kinda wasted on Madness."

"A minute ago you wanted to dismember that pretty lady over there" reminded the Khajiit.

"A minute ago I wasn't wasted."

"You know what? Let's go home."

And with that, the both of them began to walk out of the ruin.

Sheogorath and Zosimus paused. Come to think of it, everyone in the room paused. Even a cockroach on the wall paused.

"That's all it took?" murmured Agyia amazed.

"Well boys will be boys" muttered Elvide. She grinned. "By the way…"

She swung wildly, hitting her opponent deep in the chest, past the ribs.

"Take that you bitch!"

Agyia lay on the floor, bleeding and twitching violently.

"That was cold. Even for a bitch like her" said Sheogorath.

"I would agree, but she deserved it" added Zosimus. "So Mad God, what will you do now?"

Sheogorath paused, putting a hand on his chin.

"I'll find a new toy."

The masked man scowled. "Seriously? What is it with you insane people?"

He stopped. "I just realized how stupid that sounded. You really are the Mad God."

"Well there's no point crying over the loss of my toys. If the Madness no longer affects them, than I guess I just have to find new toys. Simple as that."

He sighed. "Man, I liked those two though."

"My Lord…" gasped Agyia trying to crawl over to him.

"Didn't you die?" he asked coldly. He raised his boot and smashed her in the head. Raising it again, he stomped clean through her skull. "Bitch."

"Ha! Thanks Sheogorath!" yelled Elvide. "Never thought I'd say that."

"Same here" muttered the Daedric Prince. "I'm going to need some serious casserole to cope over this thing. I'm completely insane and I never thought this would happen."

He shrugged. "Oh well. I guess I'll just make some cheddar and peanut butter enchiladas to recover."

He chuckled. "Goodbye mortals. I'm going to the Isles now. I'll call next time when I want to drop in. Psych! I don't have a phone. Come to think of it, no one has phones nowadays. How do I know about them? Damn omnipotence. Anyway, bye, bye now!"

He disappeared in a swarm of black butterflies, seemingly laughing as he did so.

Elvide collapsed, various wounds open on her frame.

"Crap. All that effort, and we didn't even defeat him."

"Defeat a Daedric Prince? Impossible" replied Zosimus. "It is completely impossible to permanently destroy them. Even regular Daedra reincarnate. The Princes can resurrect themselves within hours. Even if we defeated the body, they'd easily come back to kill us."

"Still, I was hoping to put that kind of victory under my belt."

The masked man rolled his eyes. "Nords. You all think the same."

He put his boomerang blade back into the sheath. "Our job is done. If Sheogorath comes back, even that won't do anything. They have attained a control over Madness."

He chuckled. "Like me."

Elvide stood uneasily, propping herself with her blade. "Shouldn't we try to catch up with them?"

"Yeah. Make sure they can get back to normal. I might have to tear a chunk of Madness out of them."

He grabbed his cloak and put it back over his shoulders. "I feel like I aged a century from this one fight. Goddamn it. I'm retiring for real after this."


	29. Chapter 29

"Nice work gentlemen" stated Maven Black-Briar. "Very well done."

The two men stood in front of her, no worse for wear. They had successfully recovered from the Madness usage, achieving a symbiosis that would allow them to stay alive and sane. Not to mention the psychological and physical trauma of that incident had been healed.

Without knowing it, they had fulfilled their original mission. Agyia, as it turns out, was the person who was reporting on Maven. When Sheogorath killed her, that fulfilled their contract. How things work out is simple amazing sometimes.

They had been allowed to leave the Stormcloak army since they were deemed 'annoyances'. That was another way of saying that they were a hazard and major pains in the ass of Ulfric. They didn't mind a bit.

"I must say, you took longer than I imagined" muttered the employer. "But you got it done."

She looked up. "And it appears one of you got a relationship. Good."

Zareb grinned and glanced at the gold ring. "Yeah. I'm in love."

"So am I" said Dijah leaned on his chest.

"Get off me."

"Ah. No fun."

Maven chuckled. "Boys, we have things to do. I got another mission for you."

"Fill us in" stated the Redguard.

"Well I lost contact with a smuggler of mine in Solitude. The thing is, we have possible implications that vampires are involved. Not to mention the Silver Hand. And I think the Dark Brotherhood as well."

The two grinned at each other. They had been corrupted by Daedric influence, incinerated, smashed, cut, drowned, shot by arrows, and fallen great distances. But that was trivial.

They grabbed hands in a firm grip, nodding in unison. They had been in great danger, but they had become comrades.

"What are we going to steal?" inquired Dijah grinning.

"Who are we going to murder?" asked Zareb.

Maven chuckled. "You two are the best soldiers I've ever had."

**That's the end of the story ladies and gentlemen. I thank you all for your support and views and hope you will continue in reading my work. Don't worry either. There's 4 more Dragonborn to cover, and my absolute favorite is close. Why I made it the last one is simple. Best for last, and that Dragonborn is certainly the best. Editor, if you're reading this, you know what I'm talking about.**


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